Yeah – I know, it’s been awhile.  At a meeting this morning, the devotions shared focused on wilderness … as in the place where Jesus went, the place where it is wild and untamed.  The dictionary defines it as an uncultivated, uninhabited, and inhospitable region. And according to the internet, it comes from Old English wildēornes ‘land inhabited only by wild animals,’ from wild dēor ‘wild deer’ + -ness.

But I guess inhospitable works best… certainly not inhabitable – because I have been inhabiting it for the past few months – and especially the last few weeks.

I used to like the idea of untamed – a wild place where one went voluntarily -  to get away from it all – to ‘find oneself.’ Not so much right now. It is not a place that I choose.

These past few weeks, since Thanksgiving actually, have been a wilderness – an untamed place where I don’t want to be. It is not comfortable – it is not wanted – it is not what I want for myself.  But if truth be known – this wilderness started on June 12 at 2:30 on a Monday morning.

These last few weeks have been firsts – firsts without Glenn.  Granted, family (and friends) has been up front and center – but that is not the same.  The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve, my birthday, an overseas trip – alone.

Did I manage? Of course. Did I like it?             No.

A wild place  – untamed, inhospitable. Emotions running rampant – too many to even identify – but I’ll try.  Sadness and sorrow. Loneliness.  Anger. Fear. Anxiety. But most of all – no one to share the day to day stuff with. 

I went to Guam to visit a friend.  We were paired up through Big Brother Big Sisters way back when – she was 7. And she remembered a time when we had gone out to eat – probably McDonalds – and I let her order her own meal.  For her that was huge – no one had ever let her do that before.  And I was touched.  What I assumed was normal – for her was not.  But I had no one to share that moment with – and as in tuned to my moods as Hunter can be – he was 7000 miles away.  And Glenn was even further…………..

No one to share the daily stuff with.   I miss that in a way that I never thought possible.

‘Miss Independent’, ‘I can do it myself, thank you very much’….that girl is no longer.

But I am no longer a girl.

So, yes, I have entered a wilderness time in my life…there are no instructions – no how to book… no self-help book… just my own flalings and mis-starts and mis-steps. That wild place where one goes to ‘ find oneself’.  Well, I certainly need finding – I’m as lost as can be.

And I don’t like it one bit.  I suppose I never will.  But I really have no choice but to suck it up, buttercup, and get on with it.  And so I do. With the loyal Hunter by my side or in my lap.

Yet even now – 7 months into this wilderness journey – the tears come unbidden – falling on the desk as I write, or wherever I happen to be.  Grief overwhelms me and there is not a damned thing I can do about it.

Wilderness -  that wild untamed place – uninhabitable – inhospitable. A place that I don’t want to be.  But I imagine, Jesus didn’t either. At least I’m not tempted to throw myself off a cliff… so I guess if He can do it, I can to.  Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.