I thought I knew…

                                                    ( Summer, 2011, Briare Canal, France)

I thought I knew about death -  that gut wrenching, heart breaking, heart hard as stone, no breath left kinda feeling when someone you love dies.  My sister’s death left me like that – and angry too.  Sudden, unexpected, tragic, too young, and no answers as to why…

I thought I knew about death.

My father – not really all that old – but struggled with cancer for many years – it was time – he was tired and ready, at least I think he was. 

I thought I knew about death.

My mother – a stroke left her unable to speak, eat, move , not what she would have wanted for herself and so the decision was , if not easy, at least honoring her wishes. 

I thought I knew about death

 As a pastor, tending to families left grieving when someone they love dies, whether expected or not, is what I do, and do fairly well.

I thought I knew about death.

Now I think I didn’t have a clue.

When a spouse dies, especially when it is unexpected, it’s a kick to the gut – it took my breath away – my heart is like stone one moment and bleeding out the next.  My heart beats so fast and hard sometimes I think my ribs will break. Daily pieces of life that should be a no-brainer have become monumental. Because he always did them.

I thought I knew about death.

Many years ago there was a 2 year period when 6 friends and/or family members died.  It was sad, tragic, awful.

We have buried 3 pets and I miss them still.

I thought I knew about death.

We actually talked about this, he and I.  The ‘what if’ conversation.  Would you travel? Move? Date again? Marry again?  Keep 2 dogs or only 1? But there is a huge chasm between the conjecture of ‘what if’’ and reality.

I thought I knew about death.

I think I still have a lot to learn.               

Reflections

July 5, 2017

I left home about 8:30 or so after a stop at the post office. I had high expectations for this trip which always bodes not well… anyway.  I get on the expressway and eventually stop in Sheboygan for lunch. I decide to check he directions and find that I can take the back roads instead the ‘hiway’.  And so I do.  After many turn arounds, and trying to read the map on my phone and drive at the same time (but officer, I was NOT texting!) I find my way… This is what we used to do on road trips  - get off the beaten path and just drive to someplace, maybe some small town with a café for lunch, no big chains, thank you very much - unless, of course, it was A&W - that was OK…...

Glenn would have loved this - a drive along the shore of Lake Michigan- open fields dotting the landscape… the temperature dropped at least 20 degrees along the way - cool lake breezes blowing through my hair – and yes the top is down ….

 And so I wind my way north and west with the cell phone in my hand… and I get there.

And of course it is not quite what I expected and my room is not ready - so what is a girl to do?  To the bar of course…

And the bartender hands me a wine in the best crystal for an outdoor bar - of course!

And so I relax - or try - and then of course- it starts to drizzle… We often joked about how no matter where we went - or what the season, the rain followed us - and today was no exception - here’s to you, Glenn!

As long as you are up there - can’t you put in a good word??

I guess not………

We were here in Door  County in June of 2012, and this is what I wrote then:

The air was starting to get warm - the breeze was strong.  Boats floating quietly in their bunks, their pj’s still covering them from the morning dew. Deck hands were busy with ropes, deck wash, checking the sails, getting ready for the day’s activities.  Tourists were lining up for the 10:00 sailing. The hustle & bustle was in sharp contrast to the quiet of the distant water….

The dingy pushes us out of the dock area, like a dolphin playing with us, and we head into the bay. The captain/owner begins tossing instructions to the 2 deck hands - using a language I don’t know - the language of the water and sailing.  But as I watch the sails go up, I can match words and actions and the parts of the boat.

The motor is turned off - the sails are up and the quiet becomes almost overwhelming -except for the chatter of the ‘guests’ aboard for the morning sail.

As we sail around the small islands, the captain gives us the history of the boat and some of the history of the islands and its people. While the conversation is mostly interesting, my attention is on whatever I can see in the distance - the mini waves breaking in front of us as we sail, read ‘glide‘, over the water. 

The quiet is calming, the breeze barely felt, the sun is just warm enough.  It would be perfect without the other 1o people or so but since  I could  never sail this on my own, it’ll have to do!!

Water is everywhere on and or near this peninsula called Door county, (duh - of course!!) - almost a prerequisite to any of our vacations.  Not only the lake that surrounds us, but the rain the comes down to us!

After a less than perfect day of disappointments and too many people, we head to Washington island via car ferry.  Fortunately, although there were enough cars to fill the ferries, the wait was minimal. A half hour trip and we’re there.  This is what we were looking for - quaint shops without the crowds, artists in residence everywhere, bicycles on the roads, but few cars - open spaces and tree lined back roads.  We meander around the island, check out a ‘maritime museum’ hosted by an old geezer from - guess where?  Joliet!  A lot of Chicago people have retired here and made it home.  Lunch is off of a hot dog truck, sea gulls (or maybe  terns?)  obstinate in their squawking for handouts - but to no avail - seagulls don’t need either hot dogs or chips.  In the small canal off the walkway is a family of swans - mom, dad and the cygnets eating their own lunch - while a trio of seagulls (terns?) fight over a large piece of dead meat - it looks like salmon, but I’m sure it isn’t.  Wings-a-flapping and squawking in birdspeak.  It’s hard to tell who is the winner. 

The next day, after a long day of driving, we arrive in Wisconsin dells. Boy are we glad we aren’t staying at one of these mega touristy places… we make our way to our lodging - about 7-8 miles away from all of the hullabaloo and tacky stuff.  Our room faces the river and it is now sunset…

The sky is dappled with pink and bluish gray, patches of light sky peeking through.  Even the water has a pinkish/blue/gray cast to it, highlighting the current that runs, tiptoes, downstream,  I call these skies ‘skybluepink.’  Somewhere in my childhood I came up with this color.. And it is apt.  Around the edges lingers a violet fringe, soon to be diluted with the coming of night………..

I don’t know if I’ll see any of this although, the resort where I am staying is on the water.. .. But maybe…  and while this isn’t a place that he and I would have stayed at, it will suffice - and I can remember…

This one’s for you, my love….

Normal?

What is Normal?

‘The new normal’ – I hate that phrase -it, to my quirky mind, implies that what is now new is ok – acceptable, maybe even desirable -maybe even wanted.

No.

A busy morning – doing projects around the house = normal.  An afternoon of feeling agitated, restless, unable to concentrate long enough to read a stupid book = not normal.

So I take a drive to the park. It’s probably 10 degrees cooler under the thick canopy of trees, refreshing after the heat of the day = normal.

I walk over to a glider – like we always did, usually with the pups – only I’m alone =not normal.

The swallows are swooping and diving over the water for mosquitoes = normal.  Watching them by myself = not normal.

There is a family there – boy children playing with their puppies – laughing and giggling – with the joy of it all = normal.

I think to make a comment about what I see and realize that talking out loud to myself in public is = not normal.

The peacefulness of the river is soothing - no matter where we’ve traveled there has been a river or lake or ocean or even just a piddly little pond somewhere close =normal.

Sitting here by myself = not normal.

And so I leave – grab something from a fast food place to take home for dinner – not unusual, almost normal.

Eating by myself for the 22^nd day in a row = not normal.  

Getting salt for the water softener and taking out the garbage = not normal.

Finding someone to mow the lawn for the rest of the season = not normal.

So what is normal? Is it just what you’ve always done? Is it just what you are used to, whether you like it or don’t? Is normal always good?

No. It. Is. Not.

When we get married, ‘til death do us part’ is often part of the vows we speak = normal.  Not really thinking about what that means at the young(whatever) age we are = normal.

Facing the reality of that vow = I don’t know. 

Maybe we can all be like Cher – and turn back time…………….. 

fear

At 5:08 today it has been 3 weeks – 3 weeks of blur – poignant memories, mail i didn’t ask for  -  and fear.

A loud choking, hurling sound woke me up at 2:30 in the morning – i thought it was the dog – it wasn’t.  911 – emt’s ‘we have a pulse again’…  a ventilator and a flight to another hospital – and it was almost all over...  cerebral hemorrhage …. massive, instant, painless I was assured – and time to make a decision.

He was a registered organ donor – it said so in the power of attorney that was given to me. so i had to make a decision – honor  his wishes – of course.

 i could do no less … lungs, kidneys skin tissue, bone, corneas – all for those who most needed them. A godsend for them -  and yet…………

How do you process all of this?  The first nurse, when i asked – ‘it’s not  good’ the other nurse, manually keeping the ventilator going and his breathing steady, the doctor -  you have a decision to make – “if we wait, heart attack and the organs are no longer viable – it’s your call.

15 hours – start to finish – gone.   i’m assured there was nothing i could have done to make a difference – it was too massive – too quick.

In retrospect – it was the way he wanted to go – quick, painless over in about an instant.  But what about us – his brother, nieces and nephews -other family members – students – coworkers – me, his wife of 38 years …………

The paper work gets done – insurance, bills, etc.  the dogs get walked – that was his job.  the lawn? neighbor kid looking for college money. grocery bills cut in more than half … milk? A ½ gallon now – now need for more.

Moments, days when I cannot breathe for the pain in my heart.  Days when my heart is like a block of wood – hard, unyielding, unable to feel. I’m told – at least a year of this – maybe more.  I know this – death is no stranger to me …

Food? I eat because I know I have to – but 2-3 bites and I’m done.  There’s weight to lose – but I wouldn’t recommend this approach.

Wine? That’s another story.  I made Brandy Old Fashioneds on Sunday because that’s what we did…together……

i can’t help but think of all the things we will not do together –  all the trips we will not take – Norway – Ireland – Asia, Australia again, road trips out west and east … will I do them alone?  Who knows – it’s enough just to get out of the house on a daily basis so I don’t become a recluse………. Which I could do for a while… maybe.

Did i mention fear? Fear that something will happen to me and the dogs will be alone for days -  fear that my ‘affairs’ will not be in sufficient order and the relatives will have a hard time slogging thru it all – fear that I will die alone – or worse – drooling uncontrollably for years.

i have never been one to be afraid – but now? i am afraid in a way that i never been before.  He always had my back – and now?  Who has my back now?  Fear.   i was afraid on that morning 3 weeks ago – so afraid i could hardly breathe.  And many times i still can’t.

and yet  even as a ‘woman of faith’, I have to ask – where is God in all of this?

Orlando June 12, 2016

It's been awhile since I've voiced my opinion out loud and in public.  It’s been a few years since I’ve posted on my own blog.  That doesn't mean I don't have an opinion – or a voice – but for whatever reason I’ve been silent.  But no more. 

 I think I’m done being silent… because more voices are required.  I used my voice in the 60’s and I’m gonna use my voice now.

While I do believe that the world is inherently good – after all God said so when she created it…  events of the past  2000 years might disprove that.  Especially the events of this past Sunday … (not to mention all of the violent events of the past umptynine years)

What happened this past Sunday in Orland is, without question, wrong on many levels. But it is also a symptom of our overall brokenness. 

So what do we do? Sure prayer and verbal condemnation are appropriate, but it is not enough   Not even close. So what do we do?  What can I do?  What can WE do?  I don't  know.  I do know prayer is not enough. Verbal spewage is not enough.

Protest ? How?  Unelect NRA supporters?  Drag everyone kicking  and screaming back to church?  Unelect Republicans?   Preach louder from the pulpit? I don't have an answer.  But I do know that this is not what Jesus would do. This is not what Jesus would want.  This is not what Jesus died for.  And as Christians, especially Lutheran Christians, we are to be involved in the social justice issues of our day – we are not to remain silent…we are not to sit with our hands under our butts.

Our Christian faith, and the Muslim faith and the Jewish faith, should and do condemn these acts of terrorism  - and rightly so..  Violence and hate are contrary to our beliefs. So what do we do?

I don't know.  But doing nothing is not the answer…

FEET..................

The worship service was ¾ over - and now it was time for communion.   I got up and followed the people in front of me  - head down, hands cupped ready to receive - my mind still, footsteps slow. I receive the bread and wine and walked back to my seat.  I’m at the end of the row - but close enough to the front that I can see almost everyone who was behind me walk forward just as I did. But now all I see are their feet.

Feet, like hands, come in all shapes and sizes. Most of the worshipers have shoes on - and they too come in all shapes, sizes and colors.  Some are barefoot.  Because these are my colleges, I recognize some of the shoes and some of the feet.

Flash forward to the Via de Cristo overnight training session.   It’s late - we are all tired - but we gather in a circle around 2 chairs situated in the middle of the room -a candle is lit and sitting on the small low table next to the open bible.  At each place are a basin of water and towels neatly folded.   

Instructions are given and the story is read.  And then one buy one, men on one side , women on the other - we get up and sit - to have our feet washed and dried by a stranger.   We do know each other - but enough to be this intimate?  

Feet are amazing things - they carry us around - wherever we decide to go - sometimes without complaint - and many times with. Blisters, bruises, sore muscles, fallen arches, bunions, calluses, toe nails too long or too short.  We tend to take them for granted - until they scream in pain.

They walk in all kinds of things - both barefoot and otherwise.  You never really know what is on the ground  - that icky something might get caught between your toes - or stuck on the bottom of your shoe.  Bare and walking on holy ground - or shod with leather to get them thru the muck.

And like our hands - they come in all shapes sizes and colors.  From the plump  and soft feet with sausage toes of the 6 month old to the knarly and worn out feet of the elder.

But feet, like our hands, are needed.  Not only by the body that they support - but by God  - how else will the hands get to the places they need to be in order to do the work God has called them to do?

Worship - serving - resting - running -  walking - 

God’s work our hands -  God’s work our feet.  Amen

                       The storm is rolling in…


I’m sitting on the front porch -  alone - the dogs and hubby are out for a walk around the pond- I’m somewhat sequestered due to a bum knee……..And I notice:  the leaves on the trees are almost perfectly still, there are dirty grey clouds moving in from the south and west - every once in a while the sun breaks through and leaves patches of light on the ground.   And the air is more than just  very still - and clear -  no breeze - there is expectation is in the air.  The birds are not as noisy as they usually are -  just a few songs here and there - the pond frogs are quiet -  the rose petals are still -  the butterflies seem to be quieter than usual, hummingbirds are not flitting as they usually do at this hour - it  seems like the world around me is in that still expectation of knowing that something is coming, but it is not here yet…that still point - that moment between what was and what will be….

Kinda like waiting for the bride to show up at her wedding …  we went to the wedding of one of Glenn’s former students - she is 30 now not a kid anymore - the wedding invite said 6:00 is show time - but the world does not always cooperate -  at 6:15 or so it is announced that some of the family has not yet arrived - and so we wait and drink and chat and socialize and mingle and meander-  finally about 7:00ish we gather  and the wedding  takes place as  planned…. Not a lot of stillness here - but waiting - hoping for what is expected…………….

‘…Be still and know that I am God…‘  many of us know that verse, but how often do we really understand what it means?

‘Be still…’   how often do we really get to do that?  It is about Sabbath after all…but more than that - even creation needs to take a break  and stop - and wait and see what comes next -even if it is a big storm………….

‘Be still…’  our minds need to rest, our busy brains get overloaded - as do our tired and over worked bodies, especially when they hurt…

‘Be still…’   what do we expect out of the silence and stillness?  Healing? Comfort? A Word of hope? Answered prayer?  Maybe not even all of that … but the realization that God is everywhere - in the storm and the calm before,  in the mess of tragedy and the healing of community - in the quiet of the leaves on the trees and the still water of the pond -  in the noise and calamity of emotional distress.  We have a God that is everywhere at once - with us no matter what is happening.

‘Be still and know that I am God…’  always, everywhere, but unless we stop with hearts open and ears that are willing to hear, we will miss it - that something that is mystical and inexplicable and healing and comforting and both beyond us and in us at the same time,

The storm is rolling in - we can never stop it - but we can  ’be still and know…. ’
       (Photo courtesy of Microsoft Clip Art)



   

Goose Chronicles and Turtle Travails cont’d.


Life can be cruel - several days ago, I was out looking to see how mom goose was doing - only to discover that she was gone - and so were her eggs.   I walked around the pond to where the nest is and found that the eggs had been broken open - nothing left but shells littering the bank …and  downy goose feathers floating on the water.  I don’t know if the raccoons got to them - or maybe even coyotes - although I‘m guessing raccoons.   Since Dad is gone too I’m sure they left town - no need to stay here anymore.  I was so looking forward to the young goslings.  As I’m sure Mom was too.   Do geese have feelings?  How does she come to terms with the destruction of her not-yet babies?   These are human questions - for which we often do not have answers.  


Several of the turtle nests had also been vandalized - but the one right on front of our house is still intact… even the dogs have not bothered it…


We all know that life can be cruel - or so we say.  But the reality is that even raccoons need to eat which is probably why geese reproduce like rabbits…


We humans are the ones that put labels on things - like ‘life is cruel’- platitudes that mean nothing and are not comforting.


Our comfort is in the creator God who sees to it that all are fed - “look at the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap…and yet your heavenly Father  feeds them….”   

May 11, 2012


Goose Chronicles and Turtle Travails………

The geese came early this year - about the end of February. Several pairs vying for territorial rights - and then they were gone. It appeared that no one wanted to stay - even tho we had mowed down the area around the old nest. A couple of days ago - on my nightly walk around the pond, I noticed what looked like a dead goose in the nest. But Mom was not dead, just very still and hunkered down, head under her wings. Three days later and she is still there - so she must be sitting on eggs. If so, this will be the first time in several years that we have had goslings - but that still remains to be seen - the raccoons are VERY persistent when it comes to the delicacy of fresh eggs. Dad is close by - holding steady on the water - still - hardly moving - rarely even eating - but paying very close attention to who ever and what ever trespasses in his domain… And of course Mom does not feed until the eggs are hatched. This seems rather late in the season to be sitting on the nest - but then what do I know - I’m not a goose. Silly maybe, but not a goose.

These birds are very focused - instinct takes over obviously, and they are doing what they were created to do.

And then there was Mom turtle laying her eggs in the grass - it’s fairly obvious - sitting on what looks like a mud hole. If the raccoons don’t get these, they will hatch in about 90 days. But I will never see them - they will be gone back into the water in spite of my persistent watching. (and I did mark the spot so I can come back to it…)

These creatures that God has made are focused - determined by their genes, single-minded - they have no choice really but to do what they were created to do…

So why can’t we do, with single-minded determination, what we were created to do?
(photo courtesy of the web)

5-7-12
Water Water everywhere and not a drop to drink…………….. Why is it that late nite is when I get ’inspired” I have no idea…………… anyway… maybe because I have just come from a Via de Cristo meeting?  Where - surprise, I am now one of the spiritual directors….  Anyway………

The local chapter of VdC is  called ‘Living Water.’
 Does that mean there is ‘dead water’?  I think so.. Living water, as in Jesus, and life giving baptismal water.
What is living water?   Water that is nourishing, vibrant - cool, not too hot or too cold.  As Lutheran/Christians we have grown up with the image of living water - Jesus talks about himself that way - nourishing and vibrant - life giving.  But we all know that many around the world do not have literal living water - fetid -  smelly  - polluted - full of dis-ease - and parasites  -  not life giving at all.  More like death defying.

So is it literal water - H2O -  or is there more to this image?

We have a pond in front of our house - we had it dug many years ago - and it is full of life - plants growing from the bottom up, and some flowering, algae, frogs, turtles that seem to have come from nowhere, ducks and geese and who knows what  else.  It is a vibrant and living thing this  pond.  It changes all the time and it is all about what God has done in that place……….  You know the cliché  - “… nature abhors a vacuum…”    Well there is no vacuum here. There is even a huge weeping willow tree that has taken root and thrived - on the edge of this living water……………… and I, and the dogs, like to talk around it - re-connect with our creator………….. Did I mention the frogs?   Yes - the frogs - I have no idea where they came from - they are just there along with the turtles that are now as big as dinner plates - and the moms lay their eggs in the grass… do they pray? (yes I believe they do, in their own turtle way - that no one will eat what they have so painstakingly laid down and buried……………)

Living water - rain, pond water, lakes and streams, oceans and seas, Jesus, chlorinated water from the tap, filtered to within an inch of it’s life, Jesus, bottled, purified, homogenized, Jesus, nutrient added - but safe and living, Jesus,.……………..

Living water - means different things to different people ..
What does it mean to you??