Calm After The Storm

July 9, 2019

On Friday it will be 25 months -two years and one month... June 12, 2017, 5:08 PM

Nothing has changed and yet everything has………

I love the time before a storm.... everything stills, the air is quiet, the leaves don’t move. It seems as if time stands still before the onslaught of rain and wind and whatever Mother Nature throws at us…
 And then the storm – often violent - wind lashing against trees - flowers come off of their stems - Hunter is in the basement.

And so is life.  My calm was 38 years of marriage to a beloved spouse.  And that is not to say we didn’t have ‘moments’, or that nothing went wrong… it did.

But overall, it was the calm before the storm.

And the storm began the day he died, without warning, unexpectedly,  suddenly, tragically.  

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And the storm has been raging in one way or another ever since.  And so add to that my own physical issues, making mobility sometimes a challenge, pain my constant companion.

Losses?  You bet.  In droves.

So what? You might ask... everyone has  issues at one time or another… and yup, can't argue with you when you are right.

But this is my story. This is my life now and I am trying to make sense of it. Still. And probably for a long time.

Awhile ago a friend asked me if I was happy.  And without even thinking I said no. NO. I. AM. NOT.  I do on occasion experience delight, even joy… Hunter makes me laugh, the sounds and eye candy of nature bring delight… gathering with friends and family are certainly enjoyable, my travels are a delight most of the time.

But true happiness? No.

 I am not happy – and I don’t know if I ever will truly be. Sadness  is now an integral part of my life.

Why? you might ask.  Because the source of my happiness died 25 months ago and I have not found a replacement.

Period.

And so you might say, was it all tied up in someone else?

Yes and no – in the relationship? Yes. In how he made me feel most of the time? Yes.  In our life together? Yes.

And for someone who thought of themselves as so fiercely independent, this was and is huge. I never expected that this is how I would respond to marriage… but I did. AND/BUT – he let me be me.  That was huge.

But now?  Who am I without this anchor? How do I recreate that fiercely independent person?

That would be the calm that comes after the storm…

Because, now, it is all storm…….

seasons

The seasons are changing – today is the first day of autumn. The vibrant greens of spring are morphing into the common denominator of gold and orange … the greens diminishing as they turn toward winter.

Shadows are lengthening – they are not the same as ‘before’ – as in the shadows of spring and summer… they are different somehow…

I see all this as I sit on the porch – something I did all summer as evening turned into night – and the stars came out to play.

It is getting cooler now – a shawl is necessary – but so is the glass of wine… one more for the road…

Grief, however, knows no season… it has been 15 months - and it still seems, sometimes, like yesterday.  As I wake up in the morning,  the furry four legged creature next to me is obviously not Glenn.  A comfort – yes – but not Glenn.   And I still wonder – Why?

But there is also the 'why not?'  I’m not special – this happens to many – most married couples, actually.  Someone dies first. Someone always goes first.  But it was supposed to be me.  This time, first that is.

 But no, not this time.  And I still grieve.   And I think I always will.

And while I has been 15 months – and my life has taken on it’s own momentum, it is not what I want. But then we don’t always get what we want. Or need.  We get what life throws at us.   Is it God’s doing? I’m not sure I can go there… why would God take away a happiness?  Why would God take away a person in the prime of their life?  What can Glenn do in heaven (assuming that is where he is) that would benefit anyone here on earth? Aren’t there enough ‘angels’ up there already?

September is a difficult month – many friends and family have died in this month – and I grieve for them as well.

But I have to admit, I also grieve for my loss of physical ability.  Nothing special -just old age arthritis and it’s sundry complications. ‘Old people’ stuff – no biggy… But I grieve for what was - in many ways.

Is it any wonder that it is all coming home at the same time? Probably not. You know - mind- body connection?

And so it is.

Grief – in all of its many forms is overwhelming. I sometimes wonder how to get through the day. It is often a struggle.  And, yes, memories are great – but they don’t keep you warm at night.  I’ve never been one to live in the past – but the reality of ‘now’ is not to my liking…

But there are moments of ‘Okay”.  Traveling with Hunter, as long as he doesn’t bark in the car… a walk along the river front with my Dude,  in perfect weather -  friends to help when needed – neighbors stopping by to say hello – family checking up on me every so often.

And – so yes – there are moments - sometimes, even days, when it is ‘okay’.  Never great – but just okay.

And I guess I have to be satisfied with that for the time being. Until??

I don’t know …

Maybe when the platitudes stop being platitudes and start being real….

a conundrum...

A lot of random thoughts have been traversing through my brain these last few weeks – some irrational – some down memory lane – some just plain confusion – some just a sense of helplessness.

Glenn loved non-parels - the candy (right after rivers and hotdogs!). And so a couple of years ago I made a batch for him for Christmas.  A couple of pieces every so often – usually after dinner was enough. And so I now have a container half full of candy that I will never eat as I don’t eat much candy…

So – what to do with it. Do I throw it all away? Keep it forever as a ‘momento’’? Put it on cardboard and shellac it?

His bathrobe is still handing on the hook in the bathroom – I wear it sometimes – what to do? Put it way?

His ties are still on the back of the closet door. When is it time to get rid of them?

Most of his clothes I’ve given away – but not all - and so when is it ok to get rid of the rest?

And what about all the souvenirs and momentos of our life together – and his life before me? Letters from his mother while at college, childhood toys, all of the ‘stuff’ one collects throughout a lifetime.  Every greeting card he ever received – going back to the beginning of time? In boxes in the basement – he really didn’t like to throw things away…is it sacrilege to toss it?

I don’t need the space – but is it time to clean it all out?

The books he was reading and his Bible are still on his nightstand…

Drawers full of his ‘stuff’. Old cameras, studs and cummerbund (which my mother made) for his tux – gloves and winter scarves… what to do?

I don’t know and so I do nothing.  I suppose I’ll know when the time is right – but what if it never is? Living in a museum is not healthy…

I suppose I could just leave it for  the nieces and nephew to deal with – but that’s assuming I never move from here… which poses another conundrum – when will it be time to downsize once again and move out? I’m hoping never. But ya never know….

And so I wonder – not just about who I am now and what to do with my life – but the details. The daily stuff.

But I have learned that I can travel with Hunter and be ok.  I can walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for one…..I’d rather not – but ya gotta eat…

And I have noticed that there are many who do this - eat alone in public. Men and women both – single and alone for, I’m sure, a variety of reasons. Hunter doesn’t know the difference but I do.

It ‘s been 15 months – and the last 8 have been the worst. Harder even than last year.  Maybe ‘cuz the numbness is gone and reality has set it in. And I’m convinced that my emotional state has had an impact on my physical being. All of my arthritis issues have come to a head this year – and so I attempt to navigate treatment options.  Back, hip, knees – movement is often difficult and slow.  Medical treatment can only do so much - but unfortunately, I don’t know how to remedy this. Drugs and alcohol are an option, albeit not a good one.   At least not long term!

So……..a conundrum…a Chinese puzzle box for which there is no answer…

At least not today.

hummingbirds....

A hummingbird at the feeder

It is obvious that the season is changing. We are at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  I know this - not because of the calendar – or the changing of the green in the landscape - but the hummingbirds. 

They are flocking – if 4 or 5 could be a flock – around the feeder all day long. Not just in the morning or evening – but continuously throughout the day. They don’t do this in early to mid-summer.  Since there is plenty to eat aside from the feeder, I only see them in morning and evening. Usually.

But not now.

They are flocking – feeding as if to gather enough sweet calories for the long haul to where ever they go next.

Summer is over – another season under my belt. I’m not sure how to feel about this.  Life has it’s seasons – I’m not even sure which one I’m in – but summer it ain’t.

I don’t want to think it’s winter already – but certainly autumn – the autumn of my life?

Ouch.

The thing is – we were supposed to do this together.  You know the rocking chairs on the porch thing.

Hunter doesn’t do so well in a rocking chair, but as a travel companion he did just fine.   We had some good moments – I had some neat experiences – memories to keep.  And we’ll do it again next week….

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, except that the reality of ones’ life doesn’t always match the hopes and dreams. Maybe it never does.

But we plug along – one foot in front of the other – meeting friends for dinner (tonight), friends who offer to help with physical ‘issues’.  And then being there for someone new who is just starting the journey you are in the middle of….. Maybe that’s all that we can count on – at least for awhile – friends helping friends  -  slogging through the mud slide of life. Journeying from one season to another as best we can.

Storing up sweet calories for the journey. As best we can.

roast chicken...

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A typical day – nothing unusual. Had lunch with fellow clergy women – ran a few errands - made dinner – pulled out a recipe that is always successful – roast chicken on bread salad (look it up – it’s awesome!). 

Watching the news and then Sheldon as I ate. What else is there to do between 6 and 7?

I’m halfway through my dinner and I realize, again, that I am eating alone. And I don’t like it one bit. Actually – I hate it.

And I think – ‘I will never get used to this…’  Yet I know, Hunter is always here – but it is not the same.  And its not like I can invite someone over every single night – that’s not gonna happen. Friends, family have their own lives to live. I’m only the center of my own universe – not theirs.

And maybe that’s why I want to travel - every night has to be different – ‘cause you’re not at home…it’s always a new adventure. You have to do it different…

So – why can’t that be the ‘norm’ at home?  Every night a new adventure? Well, I don’t know…. Why indeed.

I guess it’s just hard when you are by yourself.  Not always lonely, just alone.  And for an introvert by trade – that’s still a big deal.

When Glenn and I would have these ‘What if’ conversations, it never dawned on me that I would be the one to deal with all of this. It was theoretical – not real. I was supposed to go first…

And because he was always more social than I am – it made sense (not to mention my family history).

So – what to do……

My upcoming excursion will be a test… a week on the road – and yes there will be family at some point – but for the most part it will be me and Hunter. So we will have road trips to see the scenery – walks whenever we can.  Which for Hunter is always. And which I’m sure Hunter won’t mind. And truth be told, neither will I.

However…… Will I ever get used to this? It‘s beginning to seem like never.

And as I sit here – Hunter climbs into my lap – he knows me better than I do, I think. And it is good – but still – eating alone is not.

No matter how good the recipe.

relearning .

14 months to the day………

I’m sitting on the deck – Hunter is laying in my lap, as he often does.   Night is falling - and I wonder, as I often have, why we think of night as falling or day as breaking…  maybe because it seems that way?  Why not night creeps up on us? And day creeps up on us? Maybe that seems too weird – I don’t know…

Anyway – today has been a bitter sweet day.   I resigned from my last assignment as an interim pastor before a new one was called.  And today was my last Sunday. I could no longer give it my all - and I need to finish ( if as if one could ever ) – or at least attempt – my journey of   grieving.  And so I begin a sabbatical of healing. 

I was overwhelmed by the response from the congregation - they get it.  We helped each other I think, to grieve and heal after a sudden and tragic death of a loved one.  And I will not say lost – as that euphemism is inappropriate – our loved ones are not lost – they did not go missing - they have died – big difference.  I guess I had a bigger impact that I thought possible…but they help me too.
So some observations along the way  - and I know I have a long way to go..

Over the last few months:

If I don’t reach out to others to get together – see a play – have dinner – lunch - no one does.  I guess my social life is up to me entirely? For an introvert this is hard - where are all these people who claim to be my friends?

Trying to figure out my purpose in life now? I know what Glenn would say – ‘do what makes you happy.’  Well that’s great – except I don’t know what that is…… it was always about us. Well, mostly – but I always wanted his input if I went off in a different direction……and even if I went my own way anyway at least there a someone to bounce things of off….a voice of reason most times.

I can stay up as late as I want – no need to ever set the alarm………..(yeah!)

I’ve already told Hunter we will be on the road in a couple of weeks – even if I don’t know where we are going.  And he is ok with that.  As am I.

Time to visit friends and family scattered across the country – which means many road trips with the Dude.  And I think he is ok with that too.

Relearning how to be single – again –

Learning how to fill the void – appropriately that is…….new shoes are not the answer. (as much as I hate to admit that)

Always making sure the garage door is closed -that was his job – ‘cause he always drove when we went out together. I never worried about it… not so much any more.

So the next few months will be a sabbatical of sorts – a time of relearning who I am now – trying to discern what is next – what God has in store for me……There must be some reason why I have been ‘left behind’ so to speak – we both thought I would go first….(sigh)

It certainly has been an interesting ride so far – I can’t even begin to image what comes next.
But I guess I’ll find about soon enough – starting tomorrow.

holding hands

Has this ever happened to you? An image burns itself onto your brain and won’t let go… or maybe a tune … but this time an image…a snapshot of life.

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A friend had invited colleagues over for lunch – a very special lunch and one he does well… and it was a good time…connecting with colleagues who are also friends. The weather was perfect and it was a good time.  One couple got up to leave and I watched as they made their way to their car.  Holding hands.  As only a long-married couple can. Sure of their relationship - sure of their love for each other -  not caring that they looked like teenagers in love.

We used to do that.

Not always, but often.   And watching this couple brought home to me, again, the finality of Glenn’s death.

I’m not jealous that they have something I no longer do – but saddened. Missing what was. Holding hands – such a simple thing and yet it speaks volumes.

It was also a reminder that I don’t know what the future holds for me… I haven’t figured it out yet…I’m still not sure how to even begin. But that’s for later…

For now… that image is burned into my brain. Holding hands, holding on to the past the present and the future as only two people who love each other can……

Holding hands……….

Hunter wonders where I am...........

“ Hey Human!!”

“what is it Hunter?”

“where are you?”

“ I’m at the river right now… I told you I wouldn’t be gone long…”

“…but it’s dinner time – you should be here…”

“How did you even find me so far away?”

“ oh, human, I have my ways… I’m in your head all the time… that’s what we do…”

“well, I’ll be home shortly…”

I had left the house only a couple of hours ago – to visit friends who were having a celebration – not exactly a party – but close enough.  I had debated about going – one more thing to do by myself.  But I knew there would be people I knew and so it was. I met old friends and even made a new one. And it was good to be there for them – to celebrate and give thanks.

On the way home it dawned on me, today is the 14^th- What happened to the 12^th? That day that I’m not supposed to forget? But I did – the date didn’t tap into my awareness til today.  Have I forgotten already? How could I not remember THAT day?  It’s burned into my psyche… but the day slipped past me and I was unaware…

All of this while I sat by the river.  I found a piece of shade and just sat – as we often did.  Just watching the river float by.  He loved to do this…no matter where we were…just to sit and be. The current was a bit strong, the wind making ripples southward, but overall calm.  Two pelicans flying by – in perfect formation – perfect wet landing. Bobbing along together yet apart. 

So - is that what healing does? Help you forget the important stuff?  Or should I say the emotional stuff?  And I struggle now – is it time to let go of some of those memories – at least on a daily basis?  It’s not like my memory is wiped clean.. 
The hard drive is still storing all of it. But maybe I don’t need to download all of it every day…maybe I  can give the computer in my brain a break now and again.

Maybe.

But it is a struggle. A struggle to keep the memories fresh – and at the same time to let go, to move on. Not to forget, as if I could. 12 months, 2 days. And about an hour and a half.

I still wonder what this ‘moving on’ will look like. But I think I have a shot at it- finally retiring for the final time.  No more responsibilities – no more ‘shoulds’ – no more worrying about others when I have not enough energy  even for myself.

Well, except for Hunter Dude,

So next month begins a new chapter.  And it is time.  Time to complete this journey that I didn’t ask for – this journey that I never thought I would take. I was supposed to go first, ya know.

“So – Hunter…”

“Yes human?”

“you know that van that is parked outside?”

“Of course!...”

“Well, we will hit the road in about a month. I’m not sure where we will go, you’ll have to help with that. But we will be on the road. The road to where I’m not sure, but somewhere… you and me, Dude…  We’ll continue on this journey that neither of us asked for – but we must complete anyway...”

“…OH BOY  OH BOY!!! I can hardly wait…”

“Well, you’ll have to – wait that is – a few more days… and you HAVE TO BEHAVE!!VE”

“I’ll do my best…” he says as he looks up at me with those big brown eyes, a smile on his face, nestled under the desk as I write.

“Ok, Dude, you got a deal!!.. start packin’!”

My friends had something to celebrate today – and maybe someday I will as well…

Petticoats...........

It’s the beginning of year 2, 13 months actually, but who’s counting.  Year 2 without Glenn.

And I’ve noticed a shift.  I’m not so focused on the gut wrenching pain of grief. Not so focused on what I cannot do anymore – or won’t be doing with him. 

There is more wondering about what I do next, what holds meaning for me. The petticoat of grief still underlies all that I wear on a daily basis, all that I am and do, but to the casual observer it is not apparent. 

I was rummaging around in the closet the other day, and rediscovered the journals and notebooks of writings that I have collected over the vast number of years.  All the way back to the early 70’s. To another time and other loves.

And I was reminded of how fragile life is – how fragile our emotions – how fragile relationships – how fragile.  At least for me. It seemed like I was always on the edge of a precipice – that still point – that thin place where we experience God. Except that I would not have called it that then.  I’m not sure, sometimes, that I would call it that now.

Looking back is such an interesting journey – kinda like Hunter looking out the back window of his van as we move forward into the future – yeah, kinda like that.  

And I found this story that I had written. I’m not sure when. The only clue is that it originally was typed  - on a typewriter!

She dressed with care that night, knowing somehow that it would be a turning point in her life. The long blue wool skirt and matching sweater would be pretty and yet warm; springs warmth was still hidden under winter's frost.  The doorbell rang, somewhat ahead of schedule. But she had figured on that.  As she opened the door to let him in, she caught a whiff of his cologne - the one she liked so much.  He handed her a bouquet of daises and carnations as he came into her apartment, she reached up to give him a hug in greeting and thanks, and as she did, she could hear the crinkling of his freshly starched shirt. Evidently, he too had dressed with care. Finally, the flowers got put into a pitcher of water and they left the apartment and walked down to the car. She knew they were going to dinner, but he hadn't told her where. After driving up and down shadow filled streets for what seemed like forever, he finally pulled into a parking lot. The valet met them at the door and took the car away. As they entered the restaurant, they were greeted by Fanny, the owner. She led them to their table, guided by the aroma of rich tomato sauce and freshly baked bread.

The room had a comfortable feel to it.  The dark paneled walls were the perfect foil for the warm soft lights cascading down over each table.  There were photos of famous and infamous guests lining the walls, roses on the tables and candles everywhere.

Diners in pairs were talking quietly over salads and desserts.  Waitresses were bustling about, obviously having consumed more pasta than they had served.

While they sat there deciding what to eat, and sipping brandies, they could hear the words to what had already become their song, "a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, as time goes by" Eventually they ordered and bit by bit the various courses came and went. Somewhere around the end of his meatless spaghetti and her veal parmesan, he put down his fork, took hers and put it down as well.  "Will you marry me?" he said as he took her hand in his.  Although she had been expecting this, she was still caught off guard - the words mean so much more when spoken out loud. This man had taught her to love again.  "Yes, I'll marry you - I'd be honored to be your wife."

The formalities over, his grip on her hand loosened, he relaxed and so did she. Over bananas foster and coffee, they started talking, making plans, deciding who to tell first.  After what seemed like a very short time, the waitress came over to their table and gently asked them to pay their bill - it was closing time.  As they looked around, they realized they were in fact the last to leave. Walking to the car, she happened to look up at the sky. The moon was full to overflowing and bright - like a beacon guiding the way.  She knew, finally, everything was going to be all right.

And so it was.  We were married September 16, 1978.  And it was good.  And it was very good.