Silence.......

I watched the ambulance pull away about 3:00 in the morning and despite my pounding, racing heart, all I could hear was dead silence.  No sirens blaring. And even if they had been turned on a few blocks way I would have heard them.  Was it obvious, even then, that hurrying would not change the outcome?  Or did they just not want to wake the neighbors? I didn’t really think about this until weeks later.  Silence, of the kind that doesn’t register and then does.

Don McLean phrased it well in ‘American Pie’ when he said: that was “the day the music died….” I came home that evening to an empty house. Well, at least the dogs were there, but of course not aware of how much their lives would also change. And the silence was deafening, in a way that only Simon and Garfunkel could articulate,  “The sounds of silence….”

But of course, silence has no sound. Or does it? I noticed it as soon as I walked in the door. It was loud and uncomfortable and not at all what I needed or wanted. This was not the silence of “Be still and know that I am God.”  This was the silence of absence, the silence of fear, the silence of a grief not yet recognized, the silence of mourning a long way from beginning. The silence of a life changed forever. There was a silence in this place and in me that I had never experienced before. Silence, not a comfortable quiet, but the raw absence of life.

 Did Mary notice that at the empty tomb? Did Jesus notice at Lazarus’ tomb?

My nephew had driven me home from the hospital that evening and even with our casual conversation, there were moments of silence, it was too difficult yet to speak of what had just happened.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, silence descended into my life with the death of my husband of 38 years.

This was a silence that I had not anticipated, nor did I even know existed.  Other family members have died over the years, but never did I ever feel this raw, raucous, boom box kind of silence. Even on those days when he would be out and about; work, errands, whatever, the house would be quiet. But not silent – not like this. The spirit and energy of this place that was our home had been violated by death.

Silence. The silence of a different energy, the silence of a different spirit, the silence of our love for each other no longer abounding in this place. I never really thought about love or spirit or energy as having a voice – but they do.  The voice of comfort and familiarity, the voice of companionship, the voice of a long and well-worn relationship, a relationship that fit like those comfortable slippers. The voice of the one who could make me laugh even, and especially, when I didn’t want to. If it weren’t for the random and mundane voice message on my phone I would no longer remember the sound of his voice.  His recorded voice is preserved, but his real voice has been silenced forever.

It has been a few months now that this house has been silent. There are no more silly jokes, no more song lyrics for every occasion, no more monthly cards to celebrate our anniversary, no more quietly reading our separate books together, no more surprises of flowers or “let’s go do something….”  No more of his thinking out loud, whether I was listening or not. No more of that warm, cozy quiet that enveloped us when we were together.

And even with these few months separating me from that first day, the silence is still here. There are some days when it is more than I can bear.  It is still loud, sometimes deafening, although I am getting somewhat acclimated to it. And whether I can bear it or not, it is becoming part of me, this silence. I still don’t like it much, and I don’t think ever will, introvert though I am.  No, this silence is hard to take because it is so loud. 

But life is not silent, the sounds of life are still here. Birds singing in the trees, the trees clapping their hands, the wind rattling the windows, the dogs warm breathing audible a room away and their tails and nails thumping and clicking on the wood floor. The sounds of life are still here despite all the other not-sounds, in spite of the silence.

Yet I wonder, has he really been silenced? Maybe not. For his brother and nieces and nephews and their children - he will be a memory, forever in their hearts.  For his students - his legacy will live on in their success. For his friends - memories of the good times, college pranks and the silliness of young adulthood, before responsibilities.

And for me? Almost 40 years’ worth of memories, some better than others, I’ll admit, but all good, and all mine to travel through at my leisure.

So maybe not silenced, quieted, perhaps, but not silent. A different sound now, for sure. A basic law of science states that energy cannot be destroyed, only changed into a different form.  And so maybe, maybe his voice, the voice of his spirit, the voice of his love, the voice of his energy is still here, in my heart and an integral part of my soul.

So silenced? Not entirely, just a different voice.  And I have to accept that because it is all I’ve got.

The sounds of silence indeed….

Not....

There are days when the reality of life smacks you upside the head in ways that you don’t expect.

Like today.

It started out ok -  I had the Sunday off - and so I went to church .... Ok – so far.

A moment of sadness/grief – I shouldn’t have to be here alone…but of course I am….. But it passes. And the rest of the worship is ok…. Just ok…

I’m home now and need to keep busy – and so I find ‘keep busy’ stuff to do – bake a loaf of bread – well that’s a good thing – something I haven’t done in a while… and a new recipe to boot… a trip to the recycling place - it could have waited – but I also wanted to try to get Hunter Dude to SIT and not jump all over the car … yeah – good luck with that one………..

Sitting along side a canal in France..

Anyway – a new book gets delivered today - and so I say to self – ‘you WILL sit and read – and so I try – and do ok … but every so often, like every other minute or so  - I stop – look out the window -  and remember …

Sundays afternoons with Glenn, sitting together reading separately but together – the paper – a book – talking about whatever – making plans for something to do together later. Walking the dog(s)… not much of anything really – but together - a comfortable together – made of years  and history  - and companionship – and love.

And I think - but what I have now - this isn’t the life I would have chosen for myself – this life of mostly alone – (in spite of the whole introvert thing… even for me too much alone time is just that – to much...) it was foisted on me – NOT of my own doing – NOT asked for –  NOT what I  want – NOT what Glenn would have wanted for me either – a solitary life …NOT.

And yes – there are friends and acquaintances and family – blessings all -  but it’s not the same.

Not the same.

Two weeks ago marked 8 months - and the day slipped past me without notice – probably an ok thing in the big scheme of things – I guess it means I have a life – and life does march on towards who knows what… but when I realized that I had missed it.   I was heartbroken again – I forgot! How could I forget such an important day?

But today I did not forget – too much remembering actually – remembering ‘those days’ when all was well - and I didn’t realize it…

And so maybe that’s what has got me down - realizing that I didn’t appreciate what I had – not knowing that one day it would be gone …

Hunter wonders ............

Yeah – I know it’s been awhile -so says Hunter…

“So – Human, what have you been up to these past few days…”
“Well, Hunter, I’ve been thinking…”
“About What?”
“A lot of things…like…
there are advantages to living alone – that is without another human… not without another canine… (O -  heaven forbid!!)…

For instance -  I can cook with all the garlic and onions that I can tolerate – (Glenn couldn’t, at all!! (tummy issues))
I can cook (and eat)… cauliflower and broccoli and liver and onions – or whatever I like - without comment about the smell.
I can sleep in the middle of the bed – except when you are  there…
I can go the bathroom with the door open
I can go out without telling anyone where I’m going or when I’ll be back…except for you...
I can wear whatever I want –
I have no one to please…
except for you.......
And the list goes on -  however…….

This is not what I would have chosen for myself… even being the independent and self-sufficient person that I have always been….  my vows 39 years ago promised a life with another…til death do us part – and so it did.

After 40 years I have gotten used to being part of a couple -  a duo – a pair – a team – back to back facing the world and side by side  - not alone – answering to another because I care – and love.

And that has made all the difference in the world.

Until June 12, 2017, 5:08PM,  When the world as I knew it stopped.

And yet.  I.  have. not. Stopped that is.

In spite of circumstances beyond my control – like death – my life has continued on.

And – it is up to me to make the best of it.

And so I will….. because (in big part) that is what Glenn would have wanted for me.  And were things reversed – I would want for him as well.

To have a life -  a full life – and so I have ordered season tickets for the local theater – I will travel -  I will continue to cook real meals – not just carry out.  I will still buy new clothes and new shoes (of course!!)  I will still read the newspaper and do volunteer work and – called work - and yes I will have a life.

And in big part that is what we were created for  -  that is what God wants for each of us – to have a full life – however that plays  out.

And so I will – as best I can.”

“So – Hunter – what do you want to do today?...........We’ll go for a ride if you promise to stay in the back!!”

“Well, I can’t promise, but I’ll try if you give me treats!”

Fair enough……………….let's go................