Like today.
It started out ok - I had the Sunday off - and so I went to church .... Ok – so far.
A moment of sadness/grief – I shouldn’t have to be here alone…but of course I am….. But it passes. And the rest of the worship is ok…. Just ok…
I’m home now and need to keep busy – and so I find ‘keep busy’ stuff to do – bake a loaf of bread – well that’s a good thing – something I haven’t done in a while… and a new recipe to boot… a trip to the recycling place - it could have waited – but I also wanted to try to get Hunter Dude to SIT and not jump all over the car … yeah – good luck with that one………..
 |
| Sitting along side a canal in France.. |
Anyway – a new book gets delivered today - and so I say to self – ‘you WILL sit and read – and so I try – and do ok … but every so often, like every other minute or so - I stop – look out the window - and remember …
Sundays afternoons with Glenn, sitting together reading separately but together – the paper – a book – talking about whatever – making plans for something to do together later. Walking the dog(s)… not much of anything really – but together - a comfortable together – made of years and history - and companionship – and love.
And I think - but what I have now - this isn’t the life I would have chosen for myself – this life of mostly alone – (in spite of the whole introvert thing… even for me too much alone time is just that – to much...) it was foisted on me – NOT of my own doing – NOT asked for – NOT what I want – NOT what Glenn would have wanted for me either – a solitary life …NOT.
And yes – there are friends and acquaintances and family – blessings all - but it’s not the same.
Not the same.
Two weeks ago marked 8 months - and the day slipped past me without notice – probably an ok thing in the big scheme of things – I guess it means I have a life – and life does march on towards who knows what… but when I realized that I had missed it. I was heartbroken again – I forgot! How could I forget such an important day?
But today I did not forget – too much remembering actually – remembering ‘those days’ when all was well - and I didn’t realize it…
And so maybe that’s what has got me down - realizing that I didn’t appreciate what I had – not knowing that one day it would be gone …
No comments:
Post a Comment