tired

I’m tired.  Bone tired. Emotionally drained. Spiritually depleted. Physically tired and hurting. Tired.
This afternoon’s nap only made it worse.  I woke up wanting only to go back to sleep.

I officiated at my first funeral since Glenn died. I was doing ok until today.  Meeting with family, planning liturgy – got it.

The words of the liturgy got stuck in my throat – the sermon? I almost couldn’t do it – but of course I had to.  Words that I know folks want/need to hear – I know what I ‘should’ say. But it was almost like (well it was like) an out of body experience  -  who is this person saying these things? Surely, not I? Says Peter and Judas and the rest............

Given that this is the Easter season -  talk of new life and eternal life and resurrection and all of that. ………..what?  How do you preach what you are not sure you believe?

It’s not that I don’t – I’m just not sure any more. Kinda like Thomas………

And so of course my mind goes off in a thousand thousand different directions.
I was thinking about my mother’s funeral – and the overwhelming sense of peace that I felt that day. I still remember… it was a comfort then – and is now – as least as far as her death is concerned.

 It hasn’t happened since then – not once – not even close.

 That sense of peace is elusive and I wish – just for a moment.

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This is such hard work – no wonder I’m tired.

 And I know that some of what I do is not healthy - I know this - and yet I can’t not.  Heart and brain are on two different planets…. Two different time dimensions…

 So what is one to do?  Not every moment is a train wreck - there are moments - fleeting moments of ‘not sad’ - not exactly joy – but not sad.   Sometimes that’s as good as it gets.  There are moments of laughter – and enjoyment – but not today.

There are moments when friends come out of the woodwork with a word of comfort  - or a glass of Easter champagne… because why not?

Time will heal the wounds of grief ‘they’ say… no it won’t.  Scab over maybe, but not heal.  How do you heal a gash so deep that it cuts through your very core, breaks you into little pieces like Humpty Dumpty?

But today that thin scab got torn away. The memories of the day of his funeral were both in front of and in back of my mind – all day.  I hope I pastored well enough – I think so …

But I will persevere -because I have to – I have work to do – and of course there is Hunter – he’ll let me know if I’m not doing what I should…

 But I’m tired.  Bone tired. Emotionally drained. Spiritually depleted. Physically tired and hurting. Tired.