roast chicken...

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A typical day – nothing unusual. Had lunch with fellow clergy women – ran a few errands - made dinner – pulled out a recipe that is always successful – roast chicken on bread salad (look it up – it’s awesome!). 

Watching the news and then Sheldon as I ate. What else is there to do between 6 and 7?

I’m halfway through my dinner and I realize, again, that I am eating alone. And I don’t like it one bit. Actually – I hate it.

And I think – ‘I will never get used to this…’  Yet I know, Hunter is always here – but it is not the same.  And its not like I can invite someone over every single night – that’s not gonna happen. Friends, family have their own lives to live. I’m only the center of my own universe – not theirs.

And maybe that’s why I want to travel - every night has to be different – ‘cause you’re not at home…it’s always a new adventure. You have to do it different…

So – why can’t that be the ‘norm’ at home?  Every night a new adventure? Well, I don’t know…. Why indeed.

I guess it’s just hard when you are by yourself.  Not always lonely, just alone.  And for an introvert by trade – that’s still a big deal.

When Glenn and I would have these ‘What if’ conversations, it never dawned on me that I would be the one to deal with all of this. It was theoretical – not real. I was supposed to go first…

And because he was always more social than I am – it made sense (not to mention my family history).

So – what to do……

My upcoming excursion will be a test… a week on the road – and yes there will be family at some point – but for the most part it will be me and Hunter. So we will have road trips to see the scenery – walks whenever we can.  Which for Hunter is always. And which I’m sure Hunter won’t mind. And truth be told, neither will I.

However…… Will I ever get used to this? It‘s beginning to seem like never.

And as I sit here – Hunter climbs into my lap – he knows me better than I do, I think. And it is good – but still – eating alone is not.

No matter how good the recipe.

relearning .

14 months to the day………

I’m sitting on the deck – Hunter is laying in my lap, as he often does.   Night is falling - and I wonder, as I often have, why we think of night as falling or day as breaking…  maybe because it seems that way?  Why not night creeps up on us? And day creeps up on us? Maybe that seems too weird – I don’t know…

Anyway – today has been a bitter sweet day.   I resigned from my last assignment as an interim pastor before a new one was called.  And today was my last Sunday. I could no longer give it my all - and I need to finish ( if as if one could ever ) – or at least attempt – my journey of   grieving.  And so I begin a sabbatical of healing. 

I was overwhelmed by the response from the congregation - they get it.  We helped each other I think, to grieve and heal after a sudden and tragic death of a loved one.  And I will not say lost – as that euphemism is inappropriate – our loved ones are not lost – they did not go missing - they have died – big difference.  I guess I had a bigger impact that I thought possible…but they help me too.
So some observations along the way  - and I know I have a long way to go..

Over the last few months:

If I don’t reach out to others to get together – see a play – have dinner – lunch - no one does.  I guess my social life is up to me entirely? For an introvert this is hard - where are all these people who claim to be my friends?

Trying to figure out my purpose in life now? I know what Glenn would say – ‘do what makes you happy.’  Well that’s great – except I don’t know what that is…… it was always about us. Well, mostly – but I always wanted his input if I went off in a different direction……and even if I went my own way anyway at least there a someone to bounce things of off….a voice of reason most times.

I can stay up as late as I want – no need to ever set the alarm………..(yeah!)

I’ve already told Hunter we will be on the road in a couple of weeks – even if I don’t know where we are going.  And he is ok with that.  As am I.

Time to visit friends and family scattered across the country – which means many road trips with the Dude.  And I think he is ok with that too.

Relearning how to be single – again –

Learning how to fill the void – appropriately that is…….new shoes are not the answer. (as much as I hate to admit that)

Always making sure the garage door is closed -that was his job – ‘cause he always drove when we went out together. I never worried about it… not so much any more.

So the next few months will be a sabbatical of sorts – a time of relearning who I am now – trying to discern what is next – what God has in store for me……There must be some reason why I have been ‘left behind’ so to speak – we both thought I would go first….(sigh)

It certainly has been an interesting ride so far – I can’t even begin to image what comes next.
But I guess I’ll find about soon enough – starting tomorrow.

holding hands

Has this ever happened to you? An image burns itself onto your brain and won’t let go… or maybe a tune … but this time an image…a snapshot of life.

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A friend had invited colleagues over for lunch – a very special lunch and one he does well… and it was a good time…connecting with colleagues who are also friends. The weather was perfect and it was a good time.  One couple got up to leave and I watched as they made their way to their car.  Holding hands.  As only a long-married couple can. Sure of their relationship - sure of their love for each other -  not caring that they looked like teenagers in love.

We used to do that.

Not always, but often.   And watching this couple brought home to me, again, the finality of Glenn’s death.

I’m not jealous that they have something I no longer do – but saddened. Missing what was. Holding hands – such a simple thing and yet it speaks volumes.

It was also a reminder that I don’t know what the future holds for me… I haven’t figured it out yet…I’m still not sure how to even begin. But that’s for later…

For now… that image is burned into my brain. Holding hands, holding on to the past the present and the future as only two people who love each other can……

Holding hands……….