June 12, 2020
I don’t know….
Three
years ago today – at 5:08 exactly. It is now
7:45PM. I’ve been looking at old photos of Glenn and me, rereading what I wrote
after THAT day. Emotions are roiling,
there is not enough wine to soothe, or cookies or anything else.
I
took a drive today – attempting to find the place along the Mississippi River
that I found a couple of years ago – to scatter some of Glenn’s ashes. But I
never did. Four hours of driving up and down the Great River Road only to end
up at the Hennepin Canal. And that was
perfect – another one of his favorite places.
But - I
still feel lost, not sure what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Not sure what my
life is supposed to look like. I still
put one foot in front of the other and carry on – but barely.
As
I was rereading what I written back in 2017 and even before and since, it was
all I could do not to sob uncontrollably - tears were there for sure. This is supposed to get easier. Right?
RIGHT? And on the surface maybe it is, but underneath – not so much. And
I don’t know what to do about it. I cook, I clean, I walk Hunter, I pay the
bills, I even do some volunteer work and am thinking about more. But there is still this huge empty space
that begs to be filled – but nothing works. It all just seems like busywork.
And
I don’t know what to do about it.
I
know I’m not the only person to live alone after a long relationship ends
(regardless of how)… nor will I be the last.
So this isn’t about that. I’m still struggling. As a wise friend said the other day – ‘Vicki
its only been 3 years…’
And
I don’t know what to do about it.
Does it ever get better? I have to admit, the pain is not as raw
as it was at the beginning… And maybe it will never get better… maybe this is a
good as it gets. Somehow, this isn’t
what he and I talked about in our ‘what if’ conversations.
This reality is not the stuff of ‘what if’
conversions.
I just don't know.
And I don’t know what to do about it.
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