Hunter reads my mind.............

‘…at the edge of understanding…’ that’s part of what the intro to my blog says…like at the edge of a river, lake, like Jesus often at water’s edge… at the edge of understanding.

I’m still a long way from understanding any of this.

Because this is NOT getting any easier….5 ½ months and it is not any easier – in fact it seems harder some days.

It’s the little things these last few days… His Pandora station with Sinatra crooning love songs – had to turn it off.
Remembering dancing in the living room to those same songs once upon a time…
Conversations about not nothing…
Always asking him what he wanted for dinner…

But then eating dinner alone – again…
       
This past weekend, Thanksgiving, was #2 of the 3 significant days this year without Glenn.  Our 39th anniversary in September – got through that. Thanksgiving – got through that. Thanksgiving with family was good. But…there was an obvious gaping hole in the festivities…Thanksgiving is not such a little thing, it is/was my favorite holiday, but I got through it with  a struggle. And yes, I remember being told that if your life is complex so is your grief – but that is not helpful … not now.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore – and yet I know I must… live life by doing it, I was told once. Easy for you to say, I think to myself - you didn’t just say goodbye to your life partner….

And now Christmas is rearing up and I don’t know if I can do it… I did put out a few decorations – but without the requisite Christmas music in the background – always the same 5-6 CD’s with Bing Crosby and the Nutcracker Suite – but not this year…There is a tree, actually 2 small ones clustered together. I can’t do what we always did.  Outside decorations? No one is coming over anyway – so why bother….

But I did order Christmas gifts for family – so are the “I did this’s…’ enough to offset the ‘I don’t know if I can do this anymore’?

It’s a crap shoot.  I do know my heart is not in it… if I could find a place to hide til sometime next year I would.  And yet – I also think about going back to the places we traveled to once upon a time – but why?  Ya can’t refry an omlette…

I’ve thought about making new traditions – that’s helpful and healing, right? Like travel to altogether new places?  Doing the holidays differently – maybe it won’t hurt so much if it is new…? No harm in trying, I guess…

And I am back to work – so I have to pay attention to the liturgical season – Advent. A season of waiting expectantly for the miraculous to happen – and so do I. Wait for the miraculous to occur, that is…healing, a sense of peace….

That would truly be a miracle – to set aside the sadness that I think will be my constant companion from that day to forever…there are no emojis to capture the emotion………


“Hey Human?”
“Yes, Hunter?”
“ I heard you thinking………..
“Really – you heard me thinking?   How could you know – I was writing, not talking out loud!!”
“Well, I’m pretty smart that way…”
“Ok, so?”
“Well, you know, you are never really alone….‘cuz you have me!!!”
“Well, yea, I know that, Hunter… And you are a presence to be dealt with!
“And I make you laugh…and I keep you warm in the morning…”
“Yes, Hunter, you surely do.”
“So what’s the rub?”
“Well, it’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact that my special human is not here – I miss him…”
“How about you invite people here who have no place to go? Or maybe help other pups that don’t have a human?
“How about I just help other humans who have no special human? You’d be ok with that wouldn’t you?”
“Well, yeah!!  I love people!!”
“Yes, Hunter, I know you do…”
“Maybe you’re on to something… let’s work on this…………….”
“OK, I’ll go answer the door…!!”

Maybe………

Raw.............

I know, it’s been awhile - but today is 5 months and 4 days, but who’s counting?   It would have been 470 months married today.  My head has been disconnected – but my heart is still a mushy mess.

Raw - like a half-baked chicken or a bitter onion – this is supposed to get a bit easier – a bit less like a war zone – a bit less…period.

But it is not.

Floods of water cascading down my face at odd moments-ouch.

A snippet of a song…ditto.

An empty gnawing at my heart – this isn’t the way it was supposed to be…. I still can’t wrap my head around this – is this how I will feel forever? That’s a long time.  And forget about walking hand in hand with Jesus along the golden cobblestones – I can’t go there - not yet. Will sadness define me for the rest of my life? I think so…but I hope not.

A workshop on self-care meant to be healing – but it is not. How can I engage in self-care when there is no self to care for? Not literally, obviously, but figuratively. My self was wrapped up in us. There is no one to hold me accountable… Hunter is good, but not that good, well except for the needed walk….

And now? Who cares if I eat my veggies – or drink enough water – or drink less – or sleep more – or exercise more – or………….

Raw – like a half-baked chicken…..ick.

Yet, in spite of all of that – it’s back to work I go……Healing? I hope so.
Comforting? Maybe. An escape from myself? Maybe. A focus on something outside of me? Yes.

So healing?  I hope so.

But still – raw – like half-baked chicken.   Ick.

“but you still have me...’ says the wise Dude, as he curls up at my feet under the desk.
“yes, I know, Hunter and I hope for a long time…but I also know life can change in an instant – nothing is guaranteed…”
“well, I’ll try not to do anything stupid, but you know, we think about stupid differently… what seems right to me seems stupid to you…”
“yes, I know, Dude… which is why I’m always calling you back in the house…”
“and why I always answer – and come in even when I don’t want to…”
And, yeah, I know – there should be no shoulds… but we do them anyway…”

But, yeah, raw – like half baked chicken……………….ick.

Glenn was always good about coming up with lyrics to meet the demands of the moment – and so there is this…
Barbara Mandrell (one of his favorites)  ‘Sleeping Single in a Double Bed’.

Yup –pretty much sums it up…………. raw………

Hunter wonders .....................

The Dude...

“Human ?”

“yes Hunter – Dude?”

“you’ve been gone a lot lately…”

“yes, I know… I’ve gone back to work…”

‘Why”

“well, cuz,  I need to, Hunter…  I need to be with people, and I need to have something important to do…”

“So…… I’m not important?”

“ Well of course you are – but I can have more than one ‘important’…”

“Oh….”

“So  - how often will you be gone?”

“ Not all that much, really,  a couple of mornings or afternoons a week and Sunday morning…. We’ll still have time for walks and snugs  and ball in the backyard…………and all of that -  even a car ride if you don’t bark…”

“oh – ok – I guess…….you’re sure you won’t forget me – or leave me alone too long?”

“Of course not, how could I forget you?   It’s you and me against the world now…cuz our other special human isn’t here anymore and neither is Vespa…”

“I know – I miss them too…   even though I don’t show it….”

“ Yeah… it does get kinda quite around here – even when you bark…”

“Just doin’ my job, Human…”

“I know, Hunter…………….. me too.”