I’m still a long way from understanding any of this.
Because this is NOT getting any easier….5 ½ months and it is not any easier – in fact it seems harder some days.
It’s the little things these last few days… His Pandora station with Sinatra crooning love songs – had to turn it off.
Remembering dancing in the living room to those same songs once upon a time…
Conversations about not nothing…
Always asking him what he wanted for dinner…
But then eating dinner alone – again…
This past weekend, Thanksgiving, was #2 of the 3 significant days this year without Glenn. Our 39th anniversary in September – got through that. Thanksgiving – got through that. Thanksgiving with family was good. But…there was an obvious gaping hole in the festivities…Thanksgiving is not such a little thing, it is/was my favorite holiday, but I got through it with a struggle. And yes, I remember being told that if your life is complex so is your grief – but that is not helpful … not now.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore – and yet I know I must… live life by doing it, I was told once. Easy for you to say, I think to myself - you didn’t just say goodbye to your life partner….
And now Christmas is rearing up and I don’t know if I can do it… I did put out a few decorations – but without the requisite Christmas music in the background – always the same 5-6 CD’s with Bing Crosby and the Nutcracker Suite – but not this year…There is a tree, actually 2 small ones clustered together. I can’t do what we always did. Outside decorations? No one is coming over anyway – so why bother….
But I did order Christmas gifts for family – so are the “I did this’s…’ enough to offset the ‘I don’t know if I can do this anymore’?
It’s a crap shoot. I do know my heart is not in it… if I could find a place to hide til sometime next year I would. And yet – I also think about going back to the places we traveled to once upon a time – but why? Ya can’t refry an omlette…
I’ve thought about making new traditions – that’s helpful and healing, right? Like travel to altogether new places? Doing the holidays differently – maybe it won’t hurt so much if it is new…? No harm in trying, I guess…
And I am back to work – so I have to pay attention to the liturgical season – Advent. A season of waiting expectantly for the miraculous to happen – and so do I. Wait for the miraculous to occur, that is…healing, a sense of peace….
That would truly be a miracle – to set aside the sadness that I think will be my constant companion from that day to forever…there are no emojis to capture the emotion………
“Hey Human?”
“Yes, Hunter?”
“ I heard you thinking………..
“Really – you heard me thinking? How could you know – I was writing, not talking out loud!!”
“Well, I’m pretty smart that way…”
“Ok, so?”
“Well, you know, you are never really alone….‘cuz you have me!!!”
“Well, yea, I know that, Hunter… And you are a presence to be dealt with!
“And I make you laugh…and I keep you warm in the morning…”
“Yes, Hunter, you surely do.”
“So what’s the rub?”
“Well, it’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact that my special human is not here – I miss him…”
“How about you invite people here who have no place to go? Or maybe help other pups that don’t have a human?
“How about I just help other humans who have no special human? You’d be ok with that wouldn’t you?”
“Well, yeah!! I love people!!”
“Yes, Hunter, I know you do…”
“Maybe you’re on to something… let’s work on this…………….”
“OK, I’ll go answer the door…!!”
Maybe………
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