This
was the beginning of my first post:
July 3, 2017
At 5:08 today it has been 3 weeks – 3 weeks of blur –
poignant memories, mail I didn’t ask for
- and fear.
And
now 365 days later……….
I
can still recall the sounds: his rasping breathing on the bathroom floor, and
then the and lack of them, then the smells, and the images burned on my brain: the
breathing tube manually pumped by a nurse, his closed eyes, body still….the helicopter
nurses and pilot readying him for
transport, the quiet busyness of the nursing team tending to him…
the look on
the doctors face as he explains the situation… and what I must do… or not. And
yet he looks like he is just sleeping…
The
emotional energy of my family and two dear friends as we gather to hear what
the doctor has to say… and then the matter of fact discussion about donating
his organs… which was his wish.
And so of course I did what he wanted… how
could I not?
The
memories are intentional recalls now… usually… sometimes they push their way to
the front of my awareness, but not very often these days. I can bring them up
like stuff from the basement. Put away, but not forgotten. But even then,
somewhat hazy, like a Vaseline focus, not sharp: dream like? Kinda.
And
now 365 days later……
It
has been a blur – and yet not. This year has gone both quickly and at a snail’s
pace. Some things are buried in the recesses of my mind, but they are
intentional recalls now – usually – sometimes they push their way to the front
of my awareness, but not very often these days.
And
yet some things stand out in bas relief – friends and family with texts and
snail mail, let’s go eat… I can just be there if you want…I’m praying for you …
you are in my thoughts today… books and cards sent to me – maybe this will
help…
Today
- a box of roses from Glenn’s brother with a note –“Glenn is always with us.”
Yes
he is. Always. With. Us. Always, as are all of our loved one who are no longer
physically with us…. And they are legion.
An
offer from a friend – ‘I can be there with you if don’t want to be alone on
THAT day…”
This
past weekend I gathered with family and Glenn’s closest friend to lay him to
rest.
I
packed his ashes in a biodegradable paper urn in the shape of a turtle (he had
a thing for turtles!) and set it adrift where the Mississippi and the Wisconsin
Rivers converge.
It was his wish. Rose
petals floating on the water, marking the path and descent…laid to rest where
he wanted to be. The owner/Captain of the boat was amazing… It didn’t take long
for him to figure out what we were up to and help make it sacred. And it was so. A sacred time. And
it was healing.
 |
| The Mississippi and the Wisconsin Rivers converge. |
He
loved rivers – loved to sit by them and watch the world go by – loved to be on
them in his/our canoe. Where are the
barges going? What’s in them? What are the stories of the people of the river?
Real Samuel Clements moments. Rivers –
not stagnant - always moving. Going where?
It didn’t matter. There was
something magical about just sitting and watching the river flow by…………and for
a guy who was not always very relaxed – this was huge.
And
so we would often sit by the side of a river and just watch. And just be.
And
it was good.
And
it is good.
I
can smile now in a way that I couldn’t before…
The
hummingbirds at the feeder – his favorites…
Hunter
after a squirrel… or the UPS truck… or the mail carrier…because he LIKES them!
The
smell of rain as I sit in ‘his’ porch chair
The
student recipients of his scholarship at Sauk Valley Community College
The
campers who will use the new canoe gear at LOMC
The
recipients of his lungs and kidneys – 4 people will live because of him
Memories
that come unbidden of trips taken, moments shared at home, meals prepared, quiet
and not so quiet conversations about nothing…planning for the next day, week,
trip, life, etc., sharing our lives
A
few months ago I thought I had made a significant turn around – but NOOOO it
was a 180…but this time I think I’ve turned a significant corner…..
Because
I am now grateful:
for
family and friends that aren’t afraid to speak, to remember, to say his name
for
work to keep me busy
for
quiet time to reflect and remember and grieve and mourn My Way (cue Blue Eyes!
Aka Sinatra)
for
Hunter Dude and his unfailing devotion
for
waking up vertical (most of the time!)
for
sunsets and the occasional sunrise
for
the ability to travel to see friends
for
the memories of a journey shared
for
the 38 years that we had together with its ups and downs. But mostly ups
for
his support, whether he agreed with my choices or not
for
his love - no matter whether I deserved
it or not
for
his love – for me as I was
for
the tears that cleanse my soul
As
someone much wiser than me said – ‘ all marriages will end – either in divorce
or death…’ So if there is anything to top the list of ‘grateful for’, it is
this…… 38 + years of love, companionship, friendship, partnership: a life built
together.
 |
| His ashes scattered in the Rock River |
It
has been 365 days of more emotion than one human can endure – and yet I have.
As do many before me and all of those who will come after me.
I
know the tears will always be there in the shadows, the sadness will never go
away, the emptiness will always be a part of me. I know dozens of men and women
who have traveled this path ahead of me, and I mourn with them. Saying goodbye
and laying to rest a beloved spouse/partner is the hardest thing we will ever
do.
I
know, without a doubt, that he would want me to live to my fullest, whatever
and how ever I decide to do that.
And
I will. Me and Hunter. If for no other reason than to honor what we had
together.
Amen
