seasons

The seasons are changing – today is the first day of autumn. The vibrant greens of spring are morphing into the common denominator of gold and orange … the greens diminishing as they turn toward winter.

Shadows are lengthening – they are not the same as ‘before’ – as in the shadows of spring and summer… they are different somehow…

I see all this as I sit on the porch – something I did all summer as evening turned into night – and the stars came out to play.

It is getting cooler now – a shawl is necessary – but so is the glass of wine… one more for the road…

Grief, however, knows no season… it has been 15 months - and it still seems, sometimes, like yesterday.  As I wake up in the morning,  the furry four legged creature next to me is obviously not Glenn.  A comfort – yes – but not Glenn.   And I still wonder – Why?

But there is also the 'why not?'  I’m not special – this happens to many – most married couples, actually.  Someone dies first. Someone always goes first.  But it was supposed to be me.  This time, first that is.

 But no, not this time.  And I still grieve.   And I think I always will.

And while I has been 15 months – and my life has taken on it’s own momentum, it is not what I want. But then we don’t always get what we want. Or need.  We get what life throws at us.   Is it God’s doing? I’m not sure I can go there… why would God take away a happiness?  Why would God take away a person in the prime of their life?  What can Glenn do in heaven (assuming that is where he is) that would benefit anyone here on earth? Aren’t there enough ‘angels’ up there already?

September is a difficult month – many friends and family have died in this month – and I grieve for them as well.

But I have to admit, I also grieve for my loss of physical ability.  Nothing special -just old age arthritis and it’s sundry complications. ‘Old people’ stuff – no biggy… But I grieve for what was - in many ways.

Is it any wonder that it is all coming home at the same time? Probably not. You know - mind- body connection?

And so it is.

Grief – in all of its many forms is overwhelming. I sometimes wonder how to get through the day. It is often a struggle.  And, yes, memories are great – but they don’t keep you warm at night.  I’ve never been one to live in the past – but the reality of ‘now’ is not to my liking…

But there are moments of ‘Okay”.  Traveling with Hunter, as long as he doesn’t bark in the car… a walk along the river front with my Dude,  in perfect weather -  friends to help when needed – neighbors stopping by to say hello – family checking up on me every so often.

And – so yes – there are moments - sometimes, even days, when it is ‘okay’.  Never great – but just okay.

And I guess I have to be satisfied with that for the time being. Until??

I don’t know …

Maybe when the platitudes stop being platitudes and start being real….

a conundrum...

A lot of random thoughts have been traversing through my brain these last few weeks – some irrational – some down memory lane – some just plain confusion – some just a sense of helplessness.

Glenn loved non-parels - the candy (right after rivers and hotdogs!). And so a couple of years ago I made a batch for him for Christmas.  A couple of pieces every so often – usually after dinner was enough. And so I now have a container half full of candy that I will never eat as I don’t eat much candy…

So – what to do with it. Do I throw it all away? Keep it forever as a ‘momento’’? Put it on cardboard and shellac it?

His bathrobe is still handing on the hook in the bathroom – I wear it sometimes – what to do? Put it way?

His ties are still on the back of the closet door. When is it time to get rid of them?

Most of his clothes I’ve given away – but not all - and so when is it ok to get rid of the rest?

And what about all the souvenirs and momentos of our life together – and his life before me? Letters from his mother while at college, childhood toys, all of the ‘stuff’ one collects throughout a lifetime.  Every greeting card he ever received – going back to the beginning of time? In boxes in the basement – he really didn’t like to throw things away…is it sacrilege to toss it?

I don’t need the space – but is it time to clean it all out?

The books he was reading and his Bible are still on his nightstand…

Drawers full of his ‘stuff’. Old cameras, studs and cummerbund (which my mother made) for his tux – gloves and winter scarves… what to do?

I don’t know and so I do nothing.  I suppose I’ll know when the time is right – but what if it never is? Living in a museum is not healthy…

I suppose I could just leave it for  the nieces and nephew to deal with – but that’s assuming I never move from here… which poses another conundrum – when will it be time to downsize once again and move out? I’m hoping never. But ya never know….

And so I wonder – not just about who I am now and what to do with my life – but the details. The daily stuff.

But I have learned that I can travel with Hunter and be ok.  I can walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for one…..I’d rather not – but ya gotta eat…

And I have noticed that there are many who do this - eat alone in public. Men and women both – single and alone for, I’m sure, a variety of reasons. Hunter doesn’t know the difference but I do.

It ‘s been 15 months – and the last 8 have been the worst. Harder even than last year.  Maybe ‘cuz the numbness is gone and reality has set it in. And I’m convinced that my emotional state has had an impact on my physical being. All of my arthritis issues have come to a head this year – and so I attempt to navigate treatment options.  Back, hip, knees – movement is often difficult and slow.  Medical treatment can only do so much - but unfortunately, I don’t know how to remedy this. Drugs and alcohol are an option, albeit not a good one.   At least not long term!

So……..a conundrum…a Chinese puzzle box for which there is no answer…

At least not today.

hummingbirds....

A hummingbird at the feeder

It is obvious that the season is changing. We are at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  I know this - not because of the calendar – or the changing of the green in the landscape - but the hummingbirds. 

They are flocking – if 4 or 5 could be a flock – around the feeder all day long. Not just in the morning or evening – but continuously throughout the day. They don’t do this in early to mid-summer.  Since there is plenty to eat aside from the feeder, I only see them in morning and evening. Usually.

But not now.

They are flocking – feeding as if to gather enough sweet calories for the long haul to where ever they go next.

Summer is over – another season under my belt. I’m not sure how to feel about this.  Life has it’s seasons – I’m not even sure which one I’m in – but summer it ain’t.

I don’t want to think it’s winter already – but certainly autumn – the autumn of my life?

Ouch.

The thing is – we were supposed to do this together.  You know the rocking chairs on the porch thing.

Hunter doesn’t do so well in a rocking chair, but as a travel companion he did just fine.   We had some good moments – I had some neat experiences – memories to keep.  And we’ll do it again next week….

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, except that the reality of ones’ life doesn’t always match the hopes and dreams. Maybe it never does.

But we plug along – one foot in front of the other – meeting friends for dinner (tonight), friends who offer to help with physical ‘issues’.  And then being there for someone new who is just starting the journey you are in the middle of….. Maybe that’s all that we can count on – at least for awhile – friends helping friends  -  slogging through the mud slide of life. Journeying from one season to another as best we can.

Storing up sweet calories for the journey. As best we can.