Shadows are
lengthening – they are not the same as ‘before’ – as in the shadows of spring
and summer… they are different somehow…
I see all this as
I sit on the porch – something I did all summer as evening turned into night –
and the stars came out to play.
It is getting
cooler now – a shawl is necessary – but so is the glass of wine… one more for
the road…
Grief, however,
knows no season… it has been 15 months - and it still seems, sometimes, like
yesterday. As I wake up in the morning, the furry four legged creature next to me
is obviously not Glenn. A comfort – yes
– but not Glenn. And I still wonder –
Why?
But there is also
the 'why not?' I’m not special – this
happens to many – most married couples, actually. Someone dies first. Someone always goes
first. But it was supposed to be
me. This time, first that is.
But no, not this time. And I still grieve. And I think I always will.
And while I has
been 15 months – and my life has taken on it’s own momentum, it is not what I
want. But then we don’t always get what we want. Or need. We get what life throws at us. Is it God’s doing? I’m not sure I can go
there… why would God take away a happiness?
Why would God take away a person in the prime of their life? What can Glenn do in heaven (assuming that is
where he is) that would benefit anyone here on earth? Aren’t there enough
‘angels’ up there already?
September is a
difficult month – many friends and family have died in this month – and I
grieve for them as well.
But I have to admit, I also grieve for my loss of physical ability. Nothing special -just old age arthritis and it’s sundry complications. ‘Old people’ stuff – no biggy… But I grieve for what was - in many ways.
Is it any wonder
that it is all coming home at the same time? Probably not. You know - mind-
body connection?
And so it is.
Grief – in all of
its many forms is overwhelming. I sometimes wonder how to get through the day.
It is often a struggle. And, yes,
memories are great – but they don’t keep you warm at night. I’ve never been one to live in the past – but
the reality of ‘now’ is not to my liking…
But there are
moments of ‘Okay”. Traveling with
Hunter, as long as he doesn’t bark in the car… a walk along the river front
with my Dude, in perfect weather - friends to help when needed – neighbors
stopping by to say hello – family checking up on me every so often.
And – so yes –
there are moments - sometimes, even days, when it is ‘okay’. Never great – but just okay.
And I guess I
have to be satisfied with that for the time being. Until??
I don’t know …
Maybe when the
platitudes stop being platitudes and start being real….
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