Glenn loved non-parels - the candy (right after rivers and hotdogs!). And so a couple of years ago I made a batch for him for Christmas. A couple of pieces every so often – usually after dinner was enough. And so I now have a container half full of candy that I will never eat as I don’t eat much candy…
So – what to do with it. Do I throw it all away? Keep it forever as a ‘momento’’? Put it on cardboard and shellac it?
His bathrobe is still handing on the hook in the bathroom – I wear it sometimes – what to do? Put it way?
His ties are still on the back of the closet door. When is it time to get rid of them?
Most of his clothes I’ve given away – but not all - and so when is it ok to get rid of the rest?
And what about all the souvenirs and momentos of our life together – and his life before me? Letters from his mother while at college, childhood toys, all of the ‘stuff’ one collects throughout a lifetime. Every greeting card he ever received – going back to the beginning of time? In boxes in the basement – he really didn’t like to throw things away…is it sacrilege to toss it?
I don’t need the space – but is it time to clean it all out?
The books he was reading and his Bible are still on his nightstand…
Drawers full of his ‘stuff’. Old cameras, studs and cummerbund (which my mother made) for his tux – gloves and winter scarves… what to do?
I don’t know and so I do nothing. I suppose I’ll know when the time is right – but what if it never is? Living in a museum is not healthy…
I suppose I could just leave it for the nieces and nephew to deal with – but that’s assuming I never move from here… which poses another conundrum – when will it be time to downsize once again and move out? I’m hoping never. But ya never know….
And so I wonder – not just about who I am now and what to do with my life – but the details. The daily stuff.
But I have learned that I can travel with Hunter and be ok. I can walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for one…..I’d rather not – but ya gotta eat…
And I have noticed that there are many who do this - eat alone in public. Men and women both – single and alone for, I’m sure, a variety of reasons. Hunter doesn’t know the difference but I do.
It ‘s been 15 months – and the last 8 have been the worst. Harder even than last year. Maybe ‘cuz the numbness is gone and reality has set it in. And I’m convinced that my emotional state has had an impact on my physical being. All of my arthritis issues have come to a head this year – and so I attempt to navigate treatment options. Back, hip, knees – movement is often difficult and slow. Medical treatment can only do so much - but unfortunately, I don’t know how to remedy this. Drugs and alcohol are an option, albeit not a good one. At least not long term!
So……..a conundrum…a Chinese puzzle box for which there is no answer…
At least not today.
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