July 9, 2019
On Friday it will
be 25 months -two years and one month... June 12, 2017, 5:08 PM
Nothing has changed
and yet everything has………
I love the time
before a storm.... everything stills, the
air is quiet, the leaves don’t move. It seems as if time stands still before the
onslaught of rain and wind and whatever Mother Nature throws at us…
And then the storm – often violent - wind lashing against trees - flowers come off of their stems - Hunter is in the basement.
And then the storm – often violent - wind lashing against trees - flowers come off of their stems - Hunter is in the basement.
And so is life. My calm was 38 years of marriage to a beloved
spouse. And that is not to say we didn’t
have ‘moments’, or that nothing went wrong… it did.
But overall, it
was the calm before the storm.
And the storm began
the day he died, without warning, unexpectedly, suddenly, tragically.
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Losses? You bet.
In droves.
So what? You
might ask... everyone has issues at one
time or another… and yup, can't argue with you when you are right.
But this is my story.
This is my life now and I am trying to make sense of it. Still. And probably
for a long time.
Awhile ago a
friend asked me if I was happy. And without
even thinking I said no. NO. I. AM. NOT. I do on occasion experience delight,
even joy… Hunter makes me laugh, the sounds and eye candy of nature bring
delight… gathering with friends and family are certainly enjoyable, my travels
are a delight most of the time.
But true happiness?
No.
I am not happy – and I don’t know if I ever
will truly be. Sadness is now an integral part of my life.
Why? you might
ask. Because the source of my happiness
died 25 months ago and I have not found a replacement.
Period.
And so you might
say, was it all tied up in someone else?
Yes and no – in the
relationship? Yes. In how he made me feel most of the time? Yes. In our life together? Yes.
And for someone
who thought of themselves as so fiercely independent, this was and is huge. I
never expected that this is how I would respond to marriage… but I did. AND/BUT
– he let me be me. That was huge.
But now? Who am I without this anchor? How do I recreate
that fiercely independent person?
That would be the
calm that comes after the storm…
Because, now, it
is all storm…….
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