July 12, 2019
And I am sitting,
or was, on the front porch, thinking about all that I have accomplished over
the past 25 months. If one could call it
accomplishment….
And I was
noticing that the solar lights that I planted at the end of the driveway were
actually working…
And so stream of consciousness….… and I was
thinking of all of the housekeeping details that I/we all attend to everyday –
and me especially these last 25 months.
What does it mean
to ‘keep’ house??
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The things of
daily responsibilities are taken care of.
Is that all there is? Just doing
what is required, expected?
So what does it
mean to ‘keep house’?
Keep it
hospitable for guests/friends who stop by unannounced (that rarely happens).
Keeping things
neat and orderly for me? Why? Maybe, because thanks to my mother, I don’t like cutter…
Hunter doesn’t
really care - at least I don’t think he does… he’s never really said…
Keeping house –
keeping a safe place? A sanctuary? A place of solitude? My home has always been
this.
Once upon a time
I did, without really thinking about it, make sure our home was a place of
refuge. For both of us. I never really thought about it – I just did it. And
now? A refuge from what? Loneliness? Grief? Fear? Sadness? Since those feelings are my constant
companion how do I escape from them?
There is no refuge. There is no housekeeping to alleviate those
emotions. It’s more a matter of just doing what needs to be done – going
through the motions.
What I do is not
keeping house for some lofty purpose – only survival. And I wish it were not
so.
TBC
July 15, 2019
I’ve been
thinking more about this… sitting on the porch in what is now my swing – and thinking
- which I probably do too much.
Keeping house –
cleaning out closets, which I did yesterday.
Making thing neat. Orderly. Even throwing many things away. Which I didn’t’ do much of when it was him and me – and of course he never did. There are boxes in the basement of all the
greeting cards he ever received – from day 1 – and of course mine to him are ALL there as well. A box of mementos of
our early years – dating and honeymoon and first years of marriage. And so what to do? House keeping – or house cleaning? Is throwing
away destroying memories? Pretending they don’t exist? Leaving it for someone else
to throw away after I’m dust and gone?
I know I’m not
the first with this dilemma – nor will I be the last – but for me it is all
new. I did donate more of his clothes (and
some of mine) to a good cause… but there is still more that I can’t bear to part
with – yet.
And so I ponder –
house keeping or house cleaning. Am I
keeping memories live? Or living in a fantasy world where I would wish this all
away?
Beats the hell of
out me…………….
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