267

It’s another one of those days.  Dinner is over and done with and the leftovers put away -  coffee is set up for tomorrow - dishes washed. I turned off  NPR – couldn’t stand any more ‘news’… and so I have Glenn’s Pandora Jazz on the Ipad. It’s one of the few things that he did that I have left.  I’m in the sunroom – working on my needlepoint – and my mind wonders…

And I think about the photo on my dresser – Glenn’s last school picture – I know because his glass case is in his pocket -  he hated to wear them -  never got used to the idea that he needed them - and didn’t wear them for the official school picture.  I see this picture every morning and every night - and all the times in between -  and I always think – this can’t be – it still doesn’t seem possible that he is gone…and I ask him why? But of course there is no answer… at least not one that satisfies me.

I’m not out of touch with reality - I know he’s gone - but it still doesn’t seem real.

I realized awhile ago that I do have a life – not one I’d recommend – or wanted – but a life nonetheless… and it is ok.  Not great – but ok. I have my work – and some volunteer work – and, of course, Hunter Dude. Who, I know, would like more of my attention and walks and play ball and catch and…. Well, you know.

It’s one of those days where I look around me and wonder – where did it all go wrong…. But of course there is no answer for that.  It’s not so much wrong as life rearing it’s ugly head as it often does. 

God never promised me a rose garden………… but it sure would have been nice.  I do like roses.

……………There are a couple of old trees  - evergreens of some sort - cedars I think  -  in the backyard  - their trunks hollowed out from age.  Their gnarly limbs reaching up to the sky - as if to touch something unseen…but at ground level I can see thru them.  Their branches reach up -  skyward - heavenward maybe - both of them. Joyful maybe? Is there joy in being a gnarly old tree?  Or gnarly old human?

And I wonder when they will fall….maybe not in my life time – but maybe tomorrow.. .?

And that’s how I feel sometimes – hollowed out –gnarly -  ready to fall – but no idea when – or if ever…maybe  I’m stronger than I give myself credit for – I’ve made it this far, anyway. But to what end? And why?

Glenn wanted to have them cut down before the disaster of falling onto the house or into the street -  but the tree guy said no - they are not ready. Their roots are firm and secure -  they will be here long after we are gone -  Really?  Maybe.

But we all fall at some point or another……….and no one can predict…

Well, maybe God knows – but God isn’t sayin’………….

It’s been 267 days as of today – in 6 more days 9 months……………… Has it gotten easier? Yes and no……….

 The still of the night – the quiet of the early morning - one pillow on a double bed -the warmth of Hunter snuggled somewhere on the bed or against me. And I wonder – what would we be doing now.  Packing for a trip?  Talking about our respective work? Planning a day trip? Making a real breakfast?  Or going out for one? Tickets to a play? Or just a day at home – hangin’ out together.  All of the above at one time or another……….. but not now – and not. ever. again.

And then the tears. A gift, I’ve been told. When you cry unbidden it is a gift tears.  The Holy Spirit knows when that acknowledgement of emotion is necessary – and maybe it is so.  It is not always a gift I want to open – but I have no choice -  She comes without warning  -  that Wild Goose of a Holy Spirit -  honking Her way through my life without regard  for what I think I want……………..but maybe knowing what I need.

Tears …..