keys

One upon a time, a long long time ago, I used to feel like an adult. Why? You might ask – because I had keys.   Keys to my apartment, keys to my car – keys made me feel like an adult – why? I don’t know, it just seemed like something adults had – and needed.

Ever since then I have always had keys – even keys to my workplace – keys to the lock box at the bank, keys to the cable that kept my bike secure – keys. I now have keys to the church where I serve – and 2 sets of keys to bikes in the garage… one is mine – and one is his. Keys. There are keys somewhere for the bike rack and locking cable, but I don’t know where they are – he hid them somewhere.

I had the key to Glenn’s heart – and he mine.

And yet there are times when I freak out because I may not have the right one – like today- I took his car in for service – and got a loaner that I wasn’t expecting. So how do I get into the garage without keys? Especially the digital kind.  Fortunately I had keys – all of them.

But I don’t feel like an adult – even with all of my keys.

Nope – not even close.

I walked to the end of the driveway to put trash in the can – for pick up tomorrow – and I look at this house that is now all mine – and I think…  this house belongs to an adult – how can I be an adult all by myself? Isn’t this a two-person kinda thing?

It’s tax time and so I have financial decisions to make – not my strong suite – this is what adults do…caretaking of the property and house – it’s what adults do… self care – it’s what adults do – staying in touch with family – it’s what adults do.  Take a risk – take a trip – it’s what adults do – but I don’t have the keys - or do I?

At my almost advance age – I should, ( there go the ‘shoulds’) I ‘should’ feel like a grownup – but I don’t.  I feel like that nerdy kid down the street that is out of touch with whatever the ‘norm’ is. I feel like I live in another universe – not the adult one that my age would suggest – but something foreign.

I can’t be the first to feel this way -  I’m not the first to have a husband/partner died unexpectedly… not the last either.

But no one talks about these things – and why not? Why is this so hard? Are others  not feeling like adults, but for maybe a myriad of other reasons?

Aren’t we ‘supposed to’ be more adult like as we grow older, wiser, compassionate, merciful, tolerant, wiser? Not just to others, but to ourselves as well? Isn’t wise synonymous with adult? Maye not.

Adulting -  I’m not sure I can do this - but then I don’t have much choice do I?

Do others have the keys that I don’t?  Keys – like those plastic jingly things that babies chew on?

Keys -  those magical mysterious things that unlock adulthood? Where are mine? And do I even want them?