broken ............

My heart hurts again… I’m broken in a thousand pieces  – like Humpty Dumpty when he fell of the wall…cracked like a shattered  mirror – like that crystal glass diving into the kitchen sink- you get the picture.

I can't think- can't focus enough to read a book – even a simple one. I start to do something and then stop – as if totally unwound, battery dead, and I wonder- ‘what the hell is happening to me?’  

Patience? Gone. Decision making? Out the window. Focus? Nonexistent. Hungry? Not really. Sleepy?' Nope. I’m. A. Mess.

With Vespa gone, the house is so much quieter than before if that is even possible. She wasn’t exactly a noisy dog…..  but even her wondering around left a musical  trail. Having to say goodbye to her – she was Glenn’s sweetie, after all - has pushed me over the top – the top of what you might ask? Over the top of grief…she was my last living connection to him in this place I call home …..And now??

Jazz light is in the background ... something to fill the void.  The required Sunday Brandy Old Fashioned at hand – ‘this one’s for you Glenn,’… I’ll drink it and probably another – but I don’t really want it. Not tonight anyway.  And I’ll putter around in the kitchen to make something to eat – ‘cuz that’s what I did/do on Sunday evening…but my heart is not in it….. I’m not even sure where it is, this heart of mine…..broken like that forgotten  toy at the bottom of the toy box? 

These last couple of days .I’ve been taking Hunter with me when I go out for errands or whatever, whenever I can.  He needs to learn how to do this too.  But I am terrified that something will happen to him – and so I am over cautious …. like a helicopter Mom.  But I am also thinking about a ‘travels with Hunter.’  Why not? Maybe I need some distance – to gain perspective? Maybe – maybe just a change of scenery – if I can make it til then….

It’s really not like me to broadcast my emotions to all the world – but I also know that if I don’t, it will be arms behind my back in a white jacket – and that is not appealing…

So maybe these are my prayers – these ramblings – you know – 'the sighs too deep for words.' 

And so it is Hunter and me.  My sister said maybe this is the start of a new book -not just a chapter – but a whole new book. Maybe she’s right – but until I know the title – I’m lost…………………… 

Broken like that toy at the bottom of the toy box.