there are no words .............

Vespa and Hunter waiting for a treat

The other day I wrote that I thought the ‘corner had turned’, but alas and alack – it has not – today (Wednesday) it made a sharp U-turn and now I’m back at square one.
The day is now over and I’m trying to make sense of it.

 6:30 this morning and I make an emergency call to the vet – Vespa is not well.
 And so I wait til someone gets here to help me get her into the car for the ride to the vet’s office.  It sucks being alone.

She can’t stand, can’t walk – legs shaking and totally disoriented … I leave her at the vet for treatment and observation – I can’t care for her in her condition – it has to improve or  ???

And so on the way home I lose it, which while driving is not a good idea.

But even more – Vespa was/is Glenn’s dog.  She was his sweetie -  and he hers.

She has what in human terms is something like vertigo – probably caused by a lesion/tumor/something on the brain. Not a good prognosis.  So a treatment of steroids to see if it will alleviate the symptoms and give her some quality of life.  I can only hope. 

But I’m already thinking the worst -1 year – 2 dogs, I husband, 1 friend, 1 other family member -  and countless deaths among families of colleagues - not to mention the anniversaries of those who have died in the past.  This month sucks. Big time.

But then there is this – dinner with a new friend who understands, she’s been there.  And a crackhead of a dog that won’t permit self pity!!

There is not enough wine in the world to make this right – or even tolerable.  Are all the days going to be like this? A turmoil of emotions and not knowing what to do?

Now it’s Friday – the vet is not calling me back – probably doesn’t want to give me bad news over the phone – and so I go to there.

The 3 days of treatments for Vespa have not helped, in fact she is getting a bit worse.  And so it is decision time.  It‘s time to say goodbye.

Fortunately a friend had offered to be with me – and so I called – ‘it’s time, please come.’    And he does.

A rag tag jumble of emotions in liquid form running down my face and myriad thoughts running through my head – ‘why isn’t Glenn here to help with this – but then, I’m glad he’s not - he would be even more of a basket case than I am I think - she was his sweetheart… his early morning companion – his walking buddy.’  And then this, ‘why does life have to be so hard?’ a rhetorical question of course – there is no answer.

But now – the quiet has gotten louder. It’s just me and Hunter – and while he does have a big personality – half of my family is now gone………

AND all of this on top of several September anniversaries of loved ones, human and canine dying. AND on top of the news that a colleague and friend died suddenly yesterday.

ENOUGH ALREADY!          STOP!!

And yes, I know the mantra, ‘if we didn’t love it wouldn’t hurt…’ but right now that is no help whatsoever.  In fact, I’m not sure what will help today – well, maybe puppy kisses and the comfort of a dog.

Because at this particular moment in time, that’s all I’ve got.