Roller Coaster Any One?

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I used to love roller coasters – at least as a 20 something and before – not so much now – I can’t even recall the last time I was on one… umptynine years ago at least - until now – and I don’t like it one bit.  Not the ‘Six Flags ‘ kinda roller coaster – the one that life throws at us – at me.

This past week saw some real joys – I bought fresh flowers for the first time in over 2 months….. a decision where to attend church and belong – visits and just hanging out with friends and family – the backyard fence is in and the pups can now play without my delving into fear that they will run off distracted by that loathsome taunting squirrel…

Some joys indeed – in spite of the ever-present fear anger and loneliness.  A good week.

But not always.  Frustration when agencies that are supposed to be helpful are not.

There have been a number of websites and social media sites that have popped up recently – coincidence? I don’t know – but there has been a barrage of ‘help’ about how to navigate grief and mourning -  and for the most part it is just more platitudes and empty suggestions – at least in my mind.  Maybe for someone it might help – but not for me.

My brain is a kaleidoscope of memories, thoughts, emotions, fears and worries.  An endless bombardment of things I think I should or could or maybe even want to do - but don’t have the energy for.

The roller coaster of life.  And none of us get out alive.  We will all crash and burn in one way or another.

And so I wonder – is this what it feels like to have God carry me?  All of this angst?  (In spite of the few moments of joy this week?)

Where is the peace that passes all understanding? It must be in the roller coaster car behind me, cuz’ I’m not feeling the luv……   not now anyway.

So not only do I feel that God has let me down, but my very own body is as well…

(And yes, I know that stress and emotions manifest themselves in the physical…. I get it – I just don’t like it.)  And I don’t know what to do about it.  And I’m angry that I don’t know what to do about it. Because…. in a ‘normal’ world, I would ask Glenn! Duh… ‘’So – husband of mine, what should I do?” And he would tell me – share his wisdom – and often I would take it… He knew me better than I knew myself – often. He was wise that way.

So – roller coaster – only this one has no seat belts – no safety guards – no stop switch if it all goes south.

None of that.

And I’m angry that I don’t know what to do about it…….

Ok God – now what?