Stretched.............

August 16

65 days - and would have been our 467^th  month-a-versary…..August 16.  And of course there are no coincidences, right? I saw a video on Facebook that morning - a woman talking about gratitude in the face of being without her husband for 1 year and 13 days (Sheryl Sandberg, Goalcast video).  Her point was that even tho her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, she was grateful that it didn’t happen while he was driving the kids… and I get it…But……

And then there are all of the various and sundry posts about grief and how each to her own and don’t let anyone tell you how to mourn -  yadah, yadah, yadah, yadah….and then there is all of the proof texting Biblical stuff about what God will or won’t do for you – and then there is this one, also on FB – “God wanted you to have any angel more than a husband.”    Seriously? We have a God that does that?

I’m not buyin’ it…  There are times when some of these comments and bits of advice might be helpful and times when they are not.  This day was not.

Am I grateful? Yes… for family and friends that have kept in touch, sent notes, invited me to lunch or dinner – and so yes I am grateful for all of that….. This would be so much harder without them. Am I grateful that I am still alive – breathing – waking up on the right side of the grass? Most of the time. But still…....

Because I’m now a widow, Glenn is no longer physically here – and I’m supposed to be grateful? For what?  To spend the rest of my life without him? Seriously?

And of course I do ask where is God in all of this – and I know the ‘A’ answer – walking with me, carrying me, etc., etc., etc.  And sometimes that helps - and sometimes not so much.  I can walk by myself thank you very much says the toddler learning to walk.  I do ask what kind of God would ‘take’ Glenn away from me and of course I know that’s not what God does – at least not in my book…

But, this day anyway, it is a stretch to be overly grateful – or grateful at all.

It is a stretch to be comforted by the platitudes, even when they are spoken with the best of intentions.

It is a stretch to think that I’ll get used to this ‘widowhood’.

It is all a stretch right now – and I’m about as stretched as I care to be. I’m stretched like new taffy candy -  or the molten glass not yet a paperweight -  stretched so thin you can see through me – or so it feels.  Stretched – beyond repair? I hope not.  I hope I bounce back.  Remember the slinky toy?  A lot of fun when still wound tightly and they could flop down the stairs – useless when all stretched out and over played …………

I’m not a rubber band – I’m not a contortionist -  I’m not even a slinky - I’m more of a yoyo with knots in my string. So no not today – I am not grateful at all.

But then there is this – the next day………

A long drive and I start thinking (always a sign of trouble!!)…. Being stretched is not always a bad thing.  I used to make stained glass pieces – and with lead caming to hold the glass together.  The lead has to be stretched in order for it to become strong and not flexible.  It has to be strong and rigid to hold the glass securely and firmly in place – otherwise, obviously, there is no window, just a pile of glass …And in large windows, caming is necessary, other techniques won’t do…

So – stretched to become strong – could there be something here?  I’m not suggesting that God does this on purpose – ‘cuz I don’t believe that.  While God may ‘ have a plan’ God does not impose it on us – but lets us work it out  as best we can… That’s my theology, anyway…

But I do believe that when tragedy strikes, when unpleasant things happen to us, when we get slammed by life, broken in a thousand pieces, and runover by a truck, hit by a bus, we strive to make meaning out of it – that’s what we humans do – try to make meaning.  We need to understand the ‘why’ as best we can… and sometimes there is no answer – like ‘why now?’ But we try nevertheless….

So – stretched to make us stronger – not that God is throwing us the curve ball to see if we can catch it – (God doesn’t give us more than we can handle? I’m not buying that either…) but in our broken lives, in our broken world shit happens.

And we do the best we can to cope – to make meaning -  to adjust – to accommodate to this ‘new thing’ into our lives.

Stretched – like lead caming holding the glass together……. Stretched to hold ourselves together – stretched to be stronger. Maybe there is something here after all.