suspended animation

7 weeks plus 2 days = 51 = 1224 hours = 73,440 minutes = 4,406,400 seconds. (and yes I used a calculator!) of suspended animation -  suspended like a banana in jello (yuck to both…) 

A friend reminded me I’m still numb – and she is right - still in shock – and my head knows that - suspended as in just hanging there, not moving, dangling, still, paralyzed, heart and lungs aren’t working very well, ‘cuz I can’t breathe much of the time…

Suspended…a waiting game? I’m not at the airport, thank you very much, I’m not waiting for that important job interview, or that needed check in the mail… suspended…. as in a waiting game I don’t want to play…have you ever experienced a sensory deprivation tank? This is eerily similiar...

My heart has stopped beating with any normal regularity – I can’t breathe half the time – why today or yesterday, and the day before, but not before that?  Why now? Hell if I know.  Suspended animation….

I used to be animated – laughing at his silly jokes, silly pups and their antics, laughing at stupid stuff – wonder at beauty – the sky-blue-pink sunset (like two nights ago) hummingbirds at the feeder – the robins in the bird bath – it’s their Wisconsin Dells.. I could laugh – and sometimes I still do.

But I’m still in suspended animation …..I go through the motions – ‘things’ do need to be done, after all, but still – suspended -  sleepwalking - not awake, not alive but not quite dead – although close - emotionally paralyzed - and as much as I want the pain to stop – walking into the ocean would be a reprieve – I don’t have the energy for that either…and there is none close by anyway....…

Suspended…  In seminary, I took a high ropes course, and was able to tackle all but one of the elements.  I had to climb a pole, about 25-30 feet in the air, then stand on top of the pole. Now, yes I was harnessed in, and the team would make sure I did not fall, but still, there were no handle bars – nothing to hold onto except imaginary air. And so  just imagine standing on a telephone pole 25 feet in the air with no obvious means of support – and nope. i. couldn’t. do. it.  I froze, had to back down and say – nope. not this time. 

Well, not ever, actually… and that’s what this feels like.  Except where do I back down to?  I’m not Cher – I can’t turn back time… I can’t go back to before THAT day, no one can. Not me - and certainly not him...

So it’s go forward  - but how? Or not at all?  - and stay suspended in time? I could, I suppose, stay stuck, that is… and here come the men with the white jackets… 'arms crossed in front of you, please…' no that’s not an option either…

But still - Suspended. Like the proverbial banana in Jello -yuck…

The other night I went to hear the LOMC Swing Choir – and “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey was one of the songs they sang.  They did a terrific job of it…and it brought me to tears… it was all I could do to keep it together…because it’s about being unstuck… and I’m not there. My heart beats irregularly –  I have a hard time breathing – think fish out of water – or human in water ... either way drowning for lack of what is needed to survive.

This is the first verse – (you can hear the song on YouTube)

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Anyone who has experienced intense overwhelming grief knows that you will never be the same as before – that is impossible.  I suppose the hope is that at some point you will be, at the least, capable of living the life your loved one would have wished for you.  So I’m going to assume that at some point, you who are mourning, and I, will be able to sing this last verse and mean it….  If only my heart would listen.

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

If only I could… at least for a moment…maybe someday...