Dinner

It’s day 81. September 1, the beginning of a new season. (The calendar keeps track for me.) And now, this day, at this time, like the 80 before me, it is ‘dinner time’.  We always ate a 5:30, (I have no idea why), and yet somehow, I manage to keep this tradition… habits die hard…although I try to stretch it out to at least 6:00.

But whatever, how many of you like to eat dinner alone? I’m guessing not many.  But I do now every night, with the exception of invitations out, which are welcome.

And because I like to cook – I do. Tonight was grilled salmon and couscous. However, in spite of the fact that Glenn would not eat couscous, rice is preferable, he would eat salmon.

But regardless, I am eating alone, the TV blaring in the background, alone at the dining table so I can watch the blaring.  Not what we used to do, but it will suffice, because it is all that I have. 

But I hate it.  The pups are not much help – they have their own routine. And I try to keep it, for their sake, they are creatures of habit after all. And I am to a point – but this dinning alone sucks.

But so do many things that I have to do alone.  I had to take Vespa to the vet today, a real challenge as she won’t just jump into the car, she needs serious assistance. She is old, 14 dog years, 80+ human years and I want to make sure she is not in pain.  And as I wait for the vet to come into the room – I cry. Why do I have to do this by myself?  This is a 2 person job – me and him – together – not me alone.

This is just one more thing on the long list of ‘things’  that I now have to do by myself - alone.   Can I? Of course.  Do I want to? You bet your bippy I don’t.

But it is not what I want – but what I must.

And it sucks, to be blunt.

Especially, but not entirely, eating alone.  Eating, Biblically, is communal. Breaking bread together, sharing a meal, feeding each other in need, coming together in community – even if it is just 2. Where 2 or 3 are gathered, there am I, says He,  I can’t think of a single Biblical story where someone eats alone ------------if there is, please let me know.  So as a ‘1’, is He here?  Am I ‘gathered together ‘as a ‘one’, gathered into what? 

And so eating alone is a challenge - lunch at McDonald's or some other fast food emporium it is ok – we all do it.   But at home alone? Not so much…… and so I push away my plate – as good as it tastes is it is not enough,  eating alone is not what God intended. I don’t think……….

But then the pups are here – so I guess I’m not really alone after all – kinda like if the pups are with you, you are not drinking alone?

But bottom line… a dog face in mine is not the same as a Glenn retort, a funny that really isn’t, a joke the falls flat, a song lyric that hits it, a comfortable embrace that signals the end of the evening…….

 It just isn’t the same… and there is not a damned thing  I can do about it.