hurricane

Day 89 – not a particularly significant number – but getting there. (It’ll be 3 months in 3 days).  And I don’t even know where to begin about today….  

Sadness has over whelmed me today – every so often in the middle of something mundane – watering the trees… planting flowers... changing a lightbulb (that was his job!), playing ball with Hunter… getting the mail… lunch…. Is Hunter in my lap because he can sense my mood or does he want my lunch? Probably both, but lunch might win.

Tears at the back of my eyes – not ready to fall - but there nonetheless…. On and off throughout the day – even out in public – I CANNOT LOSE IT IN PUBLIC….

Sadness – like the waves threatening Florida – fierce, destructive, overwhelming, of the kind you can’t prepare for….

I think I know what set it off.  Yesterday.

I did 2 somethings altogether new – started flying lessons. (This is a bucket list item.) I was actually in the plane for the first time learning how to handle, maneuver, keep aloft, not crash or drop out of the sky.  Exhilarating at best, nerve wracking at worst. But I did it. 

And then attending a play with a friend – something that Glenn and I did together every summer.  But the worst part? Not having him here to share any of this with - he isn’t here anymore – silent – his physical presence quieted…… forever.  I came home from the flying lesson and the play to a quiet house – not a home anymore – just a house.  And of course the dogs don’t get it – so they were no help.

 Free Google image

So I am beyond sad.  I guess this is what they call mourning – the roller coaster of emotions, unbidden, a surprise at the most inopportune times.

What do I do?  Ride the waves, I guess, what else can I do?

A week from today it will be what would have been our 39^th wedding anniversary.  I can’t even imagine what that day will feel like…. A hurricane of immense proportions – like Andrew, Harvey, Irma, Jose, Katrina all in one. Prepare? Impossible.      

    

And yet – this is all after the other day when I had resolved to not be pessimistic -  to be positive – to think about the future and not the past – to put it behind me and move forward….

So much for forward. 

But the ‘can’t breathe’ starts again and the pain in my heart starts again – so move forward? Not today……….