Sitting on the deck – Hunter is at my feet – REALLY glad to see me
after a week at the kennel with Aunt Sandy.
And I’m thinking – trying to make sense of the past week.
And I notice the tree across the street. And then all of them –
and they are legion.
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Still… the leaves are still… and silent…every once in a while a
few move as if to a beat only they can hear. No wind to speak of…quiet…still…
as if before a storm… but none is predicted… as if that matters.
The past week has been one of those weeks where it feels like my
hardened heart has been broken open. Think pistachio nut, succumbing to the
power of teeth cracking it open. Think
coconut succumbing to the force of a machete. Cracked open and laid bare.
That’s how I feel.
The speakers and the worship services brought me to tears more
often than not…powerful words, heartfelt emotions spewed out for the world to feel,
to embrace. The topic for the week –
preaching and politics. Speaking of the need for justice. Jesus as the political voice that we as
preachers are to emulate. Politics in the pulpit? Of course.
And these thoughts like hot lava flow through my mind and body. Justice means getting off our asses and doing
something – right wrong or indifferent – but do something. Be Jesus for those who need him the most.
Look for hopeful …the positive… not just the broken and what seems
impossible to mend or heal.
And yet – underlying all of this is my own brokenness…
How can I do what Jesus might be asking of me when I can’t even
make sense of my own world?
How can I be there for the other when I still need for the world
to be there for me?
How can I be open to giving when my hands and heart are clenched
tight in grief – yes - even after all these many weeks…11 months of
weeks and then some.
How can I be there for the other when I don’t even know who I am
any more?
How can I even be when I don’t know what that means.
How can I care about
justice when I feel that life has dealt me an unjust blow.
How indeed.
I bought a book – 3 actually – even though I told myself not to –
I already have more than I can read. (especially given my lack of concentration
these days). But I did anyway. When God Interrupts…Finding New Life through
Unwanted Change,. by M. Craig Barnes. He talks about abandonment in all of
its various forms – death – illness - losses of all sorts. Life changes that we didn’t ask for, feeling
abandoned by God, family, you name it. I haven’t finished it yet, so I don’t
know what his final point might be, but it occurred to me – yup – that sorta
hits the nail on the head. Unwanted change.
Feeling Abandoned - Feeling Angry – Life is Not Fair – Life is
Unjust. Yup. Hunter probably thinks life
in the kennel for a week is unfair, unjust and he may have felt abandoned. ( Although he didn't say so in so many words, but at least he wasn't angry!) But
here is my rational – at least I came back for him and brought home home…..(and
there are those who might say that God brought Glenn home and will me too someday,
but I’m not there yet…)
I know Glenn did not ‘leave me’ intentionally – that’s absurd. I
know deep in my heart that given a choice he would not have. But leave me he did. And I think deep down
inside I’m angry… I’m just not sure at whom.
But something broke open this week… I’m not sure what just yet.
I feel broken open like that coconut after a well placed blow by
the machete… coconut milk pouring out everywhere… sweet sticky milk…life giving
milk…everywhere… poured out on the ground… semen wasted… a sacrilege. Life
blood… pooling at my feet………
And yet the world is still.
Like the legions of trees. As if God were holding her breath. Waiting.
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