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| Somewhere along Hwy. 1 in California. |
Once upon a time… I
loved roller coasters. The scary thrill
of having your heart in your mouth and your stomach at your feet. Truly a real thrill. I have pictures of Glenn
and I and friends at Kings Island in Ohio having the times of our lives….we
were young… in love with our respective partners… the world was our oyster, so
to speak. It was marvelous. Not a care
in the world, (well there was, even then, but we didn’t care).
Fast forward to real
life… marriage, great memories of time together, as only friends can do, but
yet disappointments for the four of us in various ways, deaths of family and
friends long the way …life happens you know.
We all got older.
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| On the side of the canal Briere in France |
And I stopped loving
roller coasters. The fear was too great…
wisdom? I don’t think so, maybe the fear of death…. I don’t know, but I stopped
loving roller coasters.
And so I stopped going
on them.
But that didn’t stop
‘them’ from pulling and pushing me kicking and screaming on the roller coaster
of life.
I still don’t love
roller coasters. But I have no choice …life
is like that… ups and downs… too fast most of the time…scary…with your heart in
your mouth and your stomach at your feet.
Like now… like the last 11 months.
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| Onalaska, Wisconsin |
May 16th, tomorrow, will have been
Glenn’s 67th birthday.
The past few days have
been the roller coaster that I didn’t choose to be on… and the gatekeeper won’t
let me off.
Case I point… another
extended family member died last week… and it brought back the flood of
emotions from that day.
Case in point… I’m
having chronic back issues…not life threatening, but significant. Yesterday was
yet another treatment …and I lost it.
Because there was no one at home to help me deal with it. Well, Hunter, of course…… and he does his
best, but still….
Case in point… evenings
are a bitch… that time when we have a meal together and talk about our
respective days, good, bad and indifferent. Or even just be silent together.
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| Walking with the Cheetahs in Zambia. He was very apprehensive |
Case in point… I had a
scare with Hunter… a cancerous tumor, successfully removed and he is fine, but
still. Hunter... not you too……………..
But then there is this… I
did manage to get his water fountain in working order and, at least as of
today, it is still functioning as it should.
The hummingbird feeder
is a flurry of activity and he loved watching them.
The French Lilac tree is
about to bloom… that was his.
There are several recipients
of the scholarship that was set up in his name…
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| A picnic somewhere |
There were 4 recipients
of organs that he donated that have insured life for those in need.
But it is a roller
coaster… and I want off.
But I am also wise
enough to know that it will never happen. The memories of what we did together do help, we
had a full life. And yet at times that
makes it worse because there will be no more of those memories. The story is over. The film has been stashed
in the vault. Done.
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| Relaxing in Oanalaska, Wisconsin |
His ashes will be
scattered in a turtle shaped biodegradable urn in the Mississippi River (don’t
tell the authorities!) in a few weeks. He had a thing for turtles, too.
I will attempt to live
the life he would have wanted for me. (easier said than done sometimes). Once I
know what that is.
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| Table Mountain, South Africa, 2016 |
But nonetheless… it is a
roller coaster of immense proportions. The tallest… the one with the most
swoops…the descents are devastating, the ups pure heaven… but still the
scariest… I have never been so scared in all my life… even now …11 months
later.
And yet … I still put
one foot in front of another and keep on keepin’ on. And some would ask, as do
I … where is God in all of this?
Is God the gatekeeper?
The designer of the roller coaster? The
risk manager? The insurance company?
Maybe one of these days,
the roller coaster gatekeeper will tell me.
But, still, I do not
like roller coasters.
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| May 2017, Our last photo together. He died 3 week later. |
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