This is the 100th
blog that I have written – not all have been posted for a myriad of reasons,
including the one I started yesterday.
I was reading a book by
Cynthia Hale - one of the preachers at the Festival of Homiletics, about the
power of women. The power that we don’t often acknowledge or even know we have.
By the end of the page I had to stop - it was going nowhere. I didn’t finish the book either - skimmed it
really - a bit to Pentecostal and fundamental for my taste - but it got me
thinking (and I guess that’s the point, right?).
This afternoon I went
out to close the windows on my car and I got distracted (there’s a surprise!)
and started pulling the ground cover out of the flower bed in front of the
porch. Had I known how much it would take over I never would have planted it…
Pulling, digging,
yanking, get behind me Satan…. It is good for the soul, but not for the back.
But I made
progress. I had been thinking for a
while that this stuff needed to go – it took over – and just about squeezed out
the stuff I really wanted.
Done - gone
- into the burn pile.
There is something
refreshing about getting angry - and
using it to get something done. And so I
did.
This isn’t exactly the
kind of power Reverend Hale was talking about, but it worked for me today.
Pulling, digging,
yanking, get behind me Satan.
Have I been angry?
Probably. Don’t know at whom - or what. But still………I think the anger is there…
buried. It’s not ‘ladylike’ to be visibly angry… well, tough shit. I am.
Angry that my life
changed without my consent.
Angry that I have to
figure out how to put new batteries in the thermostat or the smoke detector.
Angry that I eat dinner
alone – most of the time.
Angry that I have to
rely on others to do what Glenn would have done.
Angry that when I come
home from a trip there is no one to welcome me home or talk to about it. He
always made a big deal of my coming home – no matter where I went or how many
days I’d been gone.
Angry because life is
often unfair.
Angry that my body is a
frickin’ train wreck… joints don’t want to work as they should… and it’s gotten
worse in the last 11 months… coincidence? Doubtful. The unity of body mind and spirit…run amok …I
know enough psychology to know that our emotions effect our bodies… fear,
anger, grief are physical too.
On the surface
everything looks just fine - but just like that iceberg, 90% of it is underwater………..
Put your trust in the
Lord they say…………He will see you through…………….
Well, you’re right, She
is seeing me through. But is God as
angry as I am at the injustice of it all?
I certainly hope so.
And yet…………there must be
hope in me somewhere…
The planters are now
full of flowers.
I planted a new Hosta
garden…15 new plants ….
The birds of the air get
fed…
Hunter gets fed and even
walked when it’s not too hot….
Plans made for trips in
the near and distant future….
I make the bed and dust
away Hunters dust bunnies…
Dishes get washed and
even put away…
Etc., Etc., Etc.,
And all of this on top
of and underneath and alongside of a kaleidoscope of feelings and emotions that
I can’t even name as I get closer to….…the anniversary of That Day.
Pulling, digging,
yanking, get behind me Satan…. It is good for the soul, but not for the back
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