Control………..yeah right…
I think it’s safe to
assume we all think we have it… but we
know deep down, ( if we’re honest ) that we don’t.
Not ever – no one – not
even me. Especially me.
But I try. Keep the house in order, ‘stuff’ put away,
floors vacuumed of all of the Hunter dust bunnies, dishes washed and put away,
clothes hung up … You know, all of the normal housekeeping duties that most of
us have help with – until we don’t.
It’s all mine now…
control… or lack of it… over the uncontrollable…like life itself.
Like this – driving back from a day trip to
Wisconsin – and for no apparent reason
my
face is wet – and I can’t see very well. Then the F**k stick of a driver in
MY
LANE coming at me way to fast… but
fortunately, I had room to pull over to the
shoulder – otherwise I would be just
another statistic. What was that driver
thinking, passing uphill, past a line of
a cars and a semi???
And then there is this
– the human body with a mind of its own – aches and pains, signs of aging,
saggy, wrinkly, gray. No – that’s not
me, that’s my mother! Or the incessant pounding of my heart, the aches in my
chest, the physical pain that I’m sure is grief related. I just know it is.
Out of my control.
And then there is this
- emotional issues – grief and mourning taking over my life – without my
consent. The wet face when I least
expect it. The overwhelming sadness that hurts like a baseball bat to the chest.
And then there is this
- spiritual dilemmas, doubt and fear railroading me – no control there either.
Really? God – really? Are you sure? Are
you really there? Where?
There are some things
we know we have no control over – the weather, maybe politics, how other see
us, others behavior, how the garden grows, or not. The death of a loved one –
spouse, parent, sister, friend. Spouse
different than all the others, surely. Not worse, surely, just different. I read
somewhere that the death of a spouse changes every aspect of your day and
night. Yup – can’t argue when you’re right. Every f**kin’ aspect of your day. All 1440 minutes of every day. For the rest of your life.
Sudden- unexpected -
out of control. Yup - without question - no control.
But the reality, at
least for me, is that life spins out of control – every day – every way – 24/7.
There are those who believe that God is in control – and maybe she is… I sure
would like to be in the secret. It would make my life a bit more tolerable.
But – no – I don’t have
control. And I do not like it one
bit. So the dilemma; what to do about it,
how to reconcile oneself to the inevitable.
And be ok with it. There are no easy answers here – maybe no answers at
all.
I have come to realize that many of my bad
habits, and even my good ones, are a means of control. Trying to control my happiness quotient with
the ubiquitous Amazon box at my doorstep. Keeping the clutter at bay. Trying to stop Hunter’s incessant barking at
passing cars, people, mail delivery person, ( who he likes!) UPS driver, and of
course the ever present SQUIREL, or just because he can.
Control is elusive –
actually more than that – non-existent. And yet. We, Me, Myself and I, keep trying to rope it
in and – and what? Delude myself that I have it? Some days it works, (at least
momentarily) but for the most part – not.
Hello – my name is, , and I have no control.. …Are there
AA style meetings for people trying to recover from control?
If there is, sign me
up, ‘cuz I can use all the help I can get.
And God? She is silent these days. Or maybe the whisper is so loud that
it is beyond my hearing range.
So – is lack of control
chaos? Maybe. And that’s even more scary. But that sure is what it feels like.
God tamed the chaos, light and dark, naming all of the animals, made man and woman out of the dust, created
order out of chaos.
So why can’t she do
that for me?
Whatever. Control: Ethereal, out of reach, not gonna
happen in my lifetime, elusive, a figment of my imagination…….only God can tame
the wildness and for whatever reason, it
hasn’t been done for me. Yet.
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