Hunter......

    

“Hey Human…?”

“Yes, Hunter...” as he gets in my face at the most inopportune moment, and then licks it…)

“You seem distracted lately… we haven’t had many walks…”

“Well, Hunter, for one it’s been too hot – (but you have been out in the yard…) for me and you…but I’ve been thinking… reflecting actually on the day that is to come…”            

“and what is that, Human…?”

“Well, in few days it will have been one year that Glenn died, June 12^th actually.  And the weekend before that, the family is gathering in Wisconsin to scatter his ashes as he wanted me to do….”

“Oh…  I guess I don’t know what that is all about… it’s not a dog thing is it?”…”

“No Hunter, it is not… it’s a human thing that we sometimes do.  When someone dies, instead of burying them in the ground like a bone, their ashes are scattered somewhere.  And Glenn wanted his ashes scattered in the Mississippi River… ‘cuz he really liked rivers… they were always moving and going somewhere.  We  would often just sit and watch the river go by …it didn’t matter which one… and wonder what was ahead and where it was going, especially when there were barges linked together like a chain, just slowly moving along…kinda like life..”

“Oh – I get it, kinda like when I just sit on the deck and watch what the neighborhood is all about – and bark hello whenever someone goes by - or a squirrel – or even just the wind…”

‘yes, Hunter, kinda like that.”

And so I reflect – as I have done these last few days – and I suppose I will in the days to come.  It makes work a struggle, day to day care taking a struggle.

When I went away last week I stopped the grandfather clock at 5:08 – the time of his last breath.

‘Why?’… you might ask…and I don’t really know… it just seemed like the thing to do.  It is still set there.

 And I reflect on the past year soon to be on June 12, at 5:08 PM.

I know I’ve come a long way, baby… I’m not so focused on what I don’t have… but  not quite focused enough on what I do have. Somewhere in between. And yet, it still seems unreal – that land of make believe – not a fairy tale – but more like a Grimm’s tale… maybe it is that in between thin place… where we meet God…maybe.

And yet – when I think of what I have accomplished – I am amazed. Small things – his water fountain is working, the grass gets mowed, the water softener got fixed, getting the toilet fixed, putting out all of the summer ‘stuff’…and the usual day to day things that need to be taken care of. Most of his clothes given to a good cause, but many still in the closet, the taxes got figured and paid.  But his workbench is still as it was -  his ties still on the closet door. His bathrobe still hanging in the bathroom. The books he was reading and his Bible still on his nightstand.   I can only do so much. I don’t want erase what was. 

The scholarship in his name – his organ recipients, (not my doing but his), Vespa …will be buried in the backyard with Rocky.  It’s probably a good thing he didn’t have to do this one… saying goodbye would have been so hard for him…he often said so. She was his sweetie.

Done.

I know this is not unique to me – I often think of all the people I know – both personally and peripherally – that have had a spouse/significant other die and I think about how they coped … or not.

And I know I am not alone – and yet I am.

But I have noticed a shift – I’m not so quick to think about what I don’t have anymore – but not quite ready to only think about the future.

 And yet I know must.

Glenn was my white knight – in many ways he rescued me – but lovingly – and with regard to who I was and what I could become.  He never prevented me from exploring myself, even if meant spending money he didn’t think we had.  He had my back – always. 

Because he loved me for who I was – and who I could become – on my own – but with his support. And I did the same for him.

While there were many sparring matches - (we were both rather pig headed…!!) we worked it out.  Together, always together.  For 38 years together. Back to back facing the world. Together.

And I have to remember that he still has my back -  albeit long distance.

So - where do I go from here?

One of the things I’ve decided to do, Hunter doesn’t know this yet, it to visit all of my/his friends around the country. And that will take me from Virginia to Wisconsin, Arizona to California, to Arkansas. Probably not one trip – but several – me and Hunter. And the new Hunter mobile. (Yes, Hunter has his own van now, and he loves it.)

And I have to give credit where credit is due. Someone I know, who has been through this himself, suggested that I write about my experiences/feelings, etc.,  a journal of sorts – because it helped him see his progress.  And so I did and do. And he is right. I can see progress. In spite of myself.  Confession is good for the soul…… right?

And Hunter and I have adjusted – he had issues, you know. But he has been my salvation (I know, it is supposed to be Jesus, but really it has been Hunter).

And he (Hunter, not Jesus) will have more to say about this journey – but for now – a tour of the backyard and a bark to his  world is enough…….

And for me? A glass of wine to celebrate.