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| google image of helping |
I got a phone call ( yes a real person to person phone call!)
from a friend. He called – not to offer ‘help’ but just to be – he knows what I’m
going through, having gone through it himself a few years ago when his wife
died..
And so we commiserated –
But I appreciated the absence of ‘what can I do to help’ that so often gets offered – with good intentions
– but………….
Especially at the
beginning, not so much these days, many asked me if there was anything they
could to do help. ‘Call me if you need
anything…’ they would say – as if I would ever do such a thing. Because, if you know me, you also know that I
rarely ask for help – its just not in my DNA. But anyway – the comments were
meant to be kind, helpful even, and sincere – and I took them that way. But I
often responded with, ‘ I don’t even know what I need, how can I ask for help?’
and that’s just where I was.
Til now.
I know who to call if I need a plumber or electrician or lawn
mower… I know how to use a phone book (really!) to find what I need (and of course Google) but
here is what I really need…
I need you to talk to one another. You are on the honor system to do this,
unless you want to include me in the conversation, which is even better. And here is what I want you to talk about.
Life is precious – fragile
- and sacred. It is finite – we ALL will end in death. ALL of our lives
will come to a crashing end at some point, some with more of a bang than others….
(Where ever you are on the eternal life
spectrum – that’s a different conversation.)
And so - if life is so
sacred and fragile and precious – doesn’t it stand to reason that we would ALL
want a precious and sacred death? Wouldn’t we ALL want to die with
dignity? Would we ALL want this for
ourselves and our loved ones? Does
anyone really want a death that is undignified - not respectful – not sacred?
I don’t think so.
Why do we assume that if we don’t talk about this subject, it
will just go away? If you were planning a birthday celebration for a loved one,
wouldn’t you do the best you could to honor that person? Details: a cake, balloons cute party
invitations, party favors - you get the drift…
So why wouldn’t we want to honor our loved ones – and yes, even
ourselves, by making sure that our dying and all that takes place afterward, is
honoring our sacred life?
Why not indeed.
There are enough horrific deaths that happen every day – and
for the most part there is nothing we can do about them. But this we can… When my mother died, and during the 8 weeks leading up to her
death, my sister and I were able to honor her wishes because we knew what they
were. We had talked about it. When Glenn died, I was able to honor his
wishes because – yep – you guessed it – we had talked about it. We had the
‘this is what I want’ conversation -AND we had the ‘what if, what will you do
when I’m gone…’ ‘how will you cope, will you remarry? Travel? Sell the house?’ conversation.
Does that make it easier? Yes and no. Yes – because I did, and
will continue, to honor his life by honoring his requests. N o – because it still hurts that he is not
here, by my side, giving me grief (no pun intended!) about somethng stupid that
I did or didn’t do.
Yes – because his life was sacred. And no - because I would
rather not have to do this at all. Really, friends, this is a no-brainer….
But the reality of life is that we will ALL die. We are, many
of us, quick to tell someone, friend or family, what we like in a movie or
restaurant. We are quick to engage in
the trivial. And this is hard work – this
‘dying’ conversation - and I get it that many of you do not want to do
this. But it is not admitting defeat –
in fact, just the opposite, I think.
It means, at least for me, that we – I, value life so much
that I do not want to tarnish it with an undignified, unholy and unsacred dying
and death.
As a pastor I do have these conversations with family when
someone is terminally ill. I will at
least pose the questions. I do engage in the conversation. Does it make a difference? You bet it does.
Is it easy? No. But it is necessary. Think of it this way – if the decisions are up to you and you
get it wrong – how will you feel? But if the decisions are already made – and
all you have to do is execute them – it’s not about you anymore – it’s not your
fault, it’s not your responsibility to make the decisions in the first place -
the burden is lifted. You are just doing
what you were told to do! And who among us
doesn’t do what Mother tells us to do!!
This is what I need from all of you who claim to be my friends
– this is how you can help – talk about it. Talk about death and dying – it’s
not being selfish to ask for what you want. On the contrary – it is life affirming. And
then once discussed – put it in a legal format, get those advance directives in
writing. Just knowing what Mom wanted
isn’t enough- it has to be in a legal document. Why? So the doctor, hospital,
medical team can follow through - it is not just your ’idea’, its’ what the
loved one has decided for him/herself
.
Life is sacred and holy and precious. Our dying and death
should be as well.
Ok folks – tag you’re it!
