At 5:08 today it has been 3 weeks – 3 weeks of blur –
poignant memories, mail i didn’t ask for - and
fear.
A loud choking, hurling sound woke me up at 2:30 in the
morning – i thought it was the dog – it wasn’t.
911 – emt’s ‘we have a pulse again’… a ventilator and a flight to another hospital
– and it was almost all over... cerebral
hemorrhage …. massive, instant, painless I was assured – and time to make a
decision.
He was a registered organ donor – it said so in the power
of attorney that was given to me. so i had to make a decision – honor his wishes – of course.
i could do no less
… lungs, kidneys skin tissue, bone, corneas – all for those who most needed
them. A godsend for them - and yet…………
How do you process all of this? The first nurse, when i asked – ‘it’s
not good’ the other nurse, manually
keeping the ventilator going and his breathing steady, the doctor - you have a decision to make – “if we wait,
heart attack and the organs are no longer viable – it’s your call.
15 hours – start to finish – gone. i’m assured there was nothing i could have
done to make a difference – it was too massive – too quick.
In retrospect – it was the way he wanted to go – quick,
painless over in about an instant. But
what about us – his brother, nieces and nephews -other family members –
students – coworkers – me, his wife of 38 years …………
The paper work gets done – insurance, bills, etc. the dogs get walked – that was his job. the lawn? neighbor kid looking for college
money. grocery bills cut in more than half … milk? A ½ gallon now – now need
for more.
Moments, days when I cannot breathe for the pain in my
heart. Days when my heart is like a
block of wood – hard, unyielding, unable to feel. I’m told – at least a year of
this – maybe more. I know this – death
is no stranger to me …
Food? I eat because I know I have to – but 2-3 bites and
I’m done. There’s weight to lose – but I
wouldn’t recommend this approach.
Wine? That’s another story. I made Brandy Old Fashioneds on Sunday
because that’s what we did…together……
i can’t help but think of all the things we will not do
together – all the trips we will not
take – Norway – Ireland – Asia, Australia again, road trips out west and east …
will I do them alone? Who knows – it’s
enough just to get out of the house on a daily basis so I don’t become a
recluse………. Which I could do for a while… maybe.
Did i mention fear? Fear that something will happen to me
and the dogs will be alone for days -
fear that my ‘affairs’ will not be in sufficient order and the relatives
will have a hard time slogging thru it all – fear that I will die alone – or
worse – drooling uncontrollably for years.
i have never been one to be afraid – but now? i am afraid
in a way that i never been before. He
always had my back – and now? Who has my
back now? Fear. i was afraid on that morning 3 weeks ago –
so afraid i could hardly breathe. And
many times i still can’t.
and yet even as a
‘woman of faith’, I have to ask – where is God in all of this?
Pastor Vicki,
ReplyDeleteFear and Brave...for you those words go together right now. No One can even begin to understand that fear and the grief that you face. The fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone...indescribable. But also Brave...yes Brave. Brave for writing this post, Brave for sharing this post. Brave to honor his wishes for organ donation. Brave for doing the paperwork and paying the bills. Brave for having those 2 to 3 bites to eat when you know you have to, and not because you want to. Brave for leaving the house when all you want to do is stay inside and hide. And where is God in all of this? God is right there beside you. God is helping you hold the fork to eat the food. God is helping you take those steps out of the house. God is helping you to be Brave when all you want to do is fall apart.
I did not have the pleasure of knowing Glenn, but reading about him, and knowing you, I can imagine how wonderful he was. Nobody knows why he had to leave you so soon, and in death he was able to grant life to other people with his organs. Many lives were saved by him in such a critical time, and he lives on through them, through you, through his family and friends, and all those lives he has touched along the way.
Stay Brave, Pastor Vicki...and know that God is right beside you.
Oh Pastor... I get part of this having lost Craig so quickly. I know your pain is different than mine - partners in life are different than brothers. But.....One day at the most at a time... mostly it still will be minutes, seconds to get through.......then at some point you will get to hours. I have a nursing friend tell me after the death of her husband: "Holly, remember it takes 7 years for a week of .... birthdays, holidays, anniversaries", and those words have been used often.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the blogging- in time you will see your progress, when you think you haven't made any. Life waxes and wanes now - and that is right and okay. God is with you... He really is. He is there in your pain with you. Allow Him to hear your pain - He wants to be your punching bag, as he gathers you deeply in His arms in the bestest of hugs.
Don't let folks say to you that the pain goes away - it will just change. Allow yourself the time YOU need.