And so I reflect – and I back pedal to years ago when I remember why I fell in love with Glenn it the first place… There are a lot of reasons and it’s all good - but what is front and center of my awareness is the pain in my chest - my heart, I know, is broken. But what does my body know that my head does not?
Someone said to me – and I read it somewhere as well – that we are numb after a tragedy/death/ fill in the blank…because it is a protection against the pain – it will come later when we are ready for it. Well, I would just as soon get it over and done with, but I also know that it will not happen that way.
I just finished reading C.S. Lewis’ ‘A Grief Observed.’ (highly recommended). This is basically his journal of reflections after his wife died. And the first line of the first chapter caught my attention- “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear…”
And he is spot on – and so I wonder – is that what my body is feeling even though my head can’t wrap itself around that notion? Fear of what I’m not sure – at least not today… a couple of weeks ago - I knew – but today in the midst of a ‘normal’, sort of OK day?
Flash forward - it’s Monday – and that pain, while it comes and goes, is still there – it’s hard to breathe – big deep gulps of air – and it’s not enough… maybe my body knows what to be afraid of? Maybe it’s just raw anxiety, life is so different now… What will happen in the next 24 hours that I am not prepared for, like THAT day 49 days ago? What will break, fall apart, need repair next? What reaching out for assistance will go unanswered?
What next? And maybe that’s it – I just don’t know what’s next - and that scares the hell out of me.
Grief feels like fear. No, not just ‘feels’ like – grief IS fear…
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