It hurts – physically hurts, a broken heart, that is. Some of you know this – and now I do to. Actually I always have, but it has been awhile – and this is raw like a that scrape from Hunters paws – he didn’t meant it – but it happens……..Raw like that glass broken around your hand while you wash it - it happens ...
He didn’t meant to make me hurt like this – but it happens………..if he had been able to leave without the hurt I know he would have… but it happens … And I’m not even gonna go into the God thing here – that’s another conversation….for another day…
Minutes, hours when the pain in my chest causes me to wonder? But no – it is not my heart attacking me – it is my heart broken – like a leg after that fall from a tree – but no cast will help this break…
And then there is the breathing – I yawn, try to catch my breath – because it just isn’t there – (how do you ‘catch’ a breath? It’s not a baseball, ya know.…)
And so I gasp on occasion – I hold my hand over my heart hoping the pain will go away – anywhere but here in the middle of my body…
And then there is the headache that has lasted all day – even with the laughter at text study with colleagues (and there is always that)! and laughter and conversation with my women colleagues at lunch – we women know how to laugh… and it was good.
But not enough.
It hurts – and while I do have a high tolerance for physical pain – this is different. Aspirin won’t help, a bottle of wine might for the short term, but that obviously is not a healthy choice.
Some of you know this – grief, depression, most emotional ailments have a physical component – you know this and so do I. But knowledge is not enough. Just the opposite, actually, because that knowledge causes us to live in our heads – and not our hearts.
Except for today. Because. It. F*ckin.’ hurts.
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