Change

Change – you know that old Lutheran (or fill in the blank) joke about change – ‘we don’t do it…’ ‘Oh yes you do ..’– or you will at some point....whether you like it or don’t.

Glenn started a project a while back – no big deal – just cleaning the deck. Except he didn’t finish it. But that was HIS job – I have my own to do list thank you very much.

And so now I have 2 to-do lists – mine and mine = change.

I did laundry the other day – how pathetic – I could put all of the dirty clothes in the machine – each batch would have been too small – no more ‘laundry day’,  now it is ‘laundry hour…’ = change.

Grocery shopping  - I only need 2 of those reusable bags instead of 6 or 7…and not very often at that…= change.

My time is all my own now – no one to answer to at home – no need to be there, if I can, when he gets home from work – no need = change.

Taking the dogs to the park was a 2 person job, as Vespa can’t get in the car by herself – and I can’t lift her – and so we don’t go, at least not the 3 of us …= change.

When I leave the house, I have to be doubly sure that all the doors are at least closed, the garage door down.  

There is no one to remind me – and so if the dogs get loose?  I don’t even want to go there… = change.

Every day presents a new challenge – a new change.  And it’s not that I can’t do these things – but many I haven’t had to for – 38 years….= change.

And so when the toilet needs repair – or the backyard fountain that Glenn loved, goes on the blink - or I can’t unhook the sprinkler from the hose, cuz it’s on too tight, I have to stop and think – ‘ok now what?’  And calling for him won’t help one little bit….= change.

Even when we had our ‘what if’ conversations, these mundane things never came up.  And why would they? You think about the important things -  finances, the advance directives and the will, maybe you even talk about how to file a  Social  Security claim – or what to do with the life insurance - but you certainly don’t talk about what to do when the toilet needs repair- or your laundry day is now an hour…or how to reset the coffee maker – because he took care of that too…= change.

I think I read somewhere that it takes 3 weeks to change a habit.  Well, I disagree -it will take … I don’t know how long it will take.  How do you undo 38 years of habits? How do you undo your life? It’s not like untying a shoe lace – and then retying it – I only have one shoe lace to work with now… = change.

There is a huge disconnect here – and frankly I’m not sure when the re-connect will happen… = change. It’s hard – and I’m tired of it already.