I thought I knew…

                                                    ( Summer, 2011, Briare Canal, France)

I thought I knew about death -  that gut wrenching, heart breaking, heart hard as stone, no breath left kinda feeling when someone you love dies.  My sister’s death left me like that – and angry too.  Sudden, unexpected, tragic, too young, and no answers as to why…

I thought I knew about death.

My father – not really all that old – but struggled with cancer for many years – it was time – he was tired and ready, at least I think he was. 

I thought I knew about death.

My mother – a stroke left her unable to speak, eat, move , not what she would have wanted for herself and so the decision was , if not easy, at least honoring her wishes. 

I thought I knew about death

 As a pastor, tending to families left grieving when someone they love dies, whether expected or not, is what I do, and do fairly well.

I thought I knew about death.

Now I think I didn’t have a clue.

When a spouse dies, especially when it is unexpected, it’s a kick to the gut – it took my breath away – my heart is like stone one moment and bleeding out the next.  My heart beats so fast and hard sometimes I think my ribs will break. Daily pieces of life that should be a no-brainer have become monumental. Because he always did them.

I thought I knew about death.

Many years ago there was a 2 year period when 6 friends and/or family members died.  It was sad, tragic, awful.

We have buried 3 pets and I miss them still.

I thought I knew about death.

We actually talked about this, he and I.  The ‘what if’ conversation.  Would you travel? Move? Date again? Marry again?  Keep 2 dogs or only 1? But there is a huge chasm between the conjecture of ‘what if’’ and reality.

I thought I knew about death.

I think I still have a lot to learn.