40 days

 In Bible speak, 40 means a long time. Moses and the Israelites – 40 years wondering, Noah – 40 days of flood, Jesus - 40 days in the wilderness, Lent -  40 days.

Today is the 40^th day.  Lost? Check. Wondering? Check. Floating on a sea of sorrow? Check. Angry and grumpy like the Israelites? Check.  Tempted? Check. Waiting for the flood to be over? Check.

In one of my college psych classes, I was introduced to the writings  of a psychologist, researcher, author by the name of Mihaly Csikszentmihaly who identified a mental state that he called ‘flow’.  ( His book about this is titled FLOW).  We all know what this is – that period of time when you are so engrossed in what you are doing that time disappears – you are so in the moment that everything else is of no importance. Even more importantly, according to Csikszentmihaly, is that this state is a very positive one. There is more to it, but this is the essence of it.  

I’m not sure if being totally engrossed in the kind of remembering that I, or anyone else, in the midst of grief is exactly the same thing, but I couldn’t help but make a comparison. And there is some joy in my memories, but, truth be told, I’d rather wax nostalgic with Glenn than by myself… duh…

This popped into my head because I’ve been thinking about time these last few days.  Time that seems to stand still and never move – like frigid molasses. I’ll get lost in the highways and byways of my mind – the back alleys and frontage roads – get very lost and time stands still.

And at other times – it wizzes past me at an alarming speed -I’ll look up and 2,3 hours have disappeared.

It’s as if my allotted 24 hours is both not enough and too much.

40 days and it feels like yesterday.  THAT day when I came home to a house that was already different.  There was a different energy already here – a different spirit in this place.  The difference between ‘still’ water and ‘bubbly’.  The difference between wide wake and energetic, like he was even first thing in the morning – and sleepy headed like me. And time has not changed that – there is still a different energy/spirit in this place. There is a quietness here that wasn’t before…and no amount of 'flow' moments will change that...

 And I’m not sure that time will change that much either – I don’t know  - maybe…maybe you just get used to it so it feels like ok even when it isn’t…. like that job you don’t like much but keep ‘cuz it pays the bills? You know…the devil you know versus the one you don’t?

Maybe I need more time – maybe there will ever be enough time..

And then there are days when I feel like I have been doing this ‘widow’ thing for far too long – like forever.

But there are snipers of joy and friendship and comfort.… an impromptu lunch with my sister… an unexpected text or FB post from a long ago friend… a card from a stranger…an invitation to lunch… with the requisite glass of wine…

But then there are those moments when ‘time’ crashes over me like waves on a rocky shore – we along walked many of those in our many journeys – and memories that I would rather not have are front and center in my brain…. Memories of THAT morning and afternoon of the first day – and it was not good.

40 days is a very long time.